If America veers a little toward the stiff-armed-salute end of things, I'm selling out first chance I get.

I'm a 58-year-old white guy with seven years to go until retirement. However, I'd be willing to stay around longer if there was, say, a Ministry of Propaganda that needed professional writers to "explain" the new America and extol the Glorious Leader.

It won't be a private sector job, either. I've had those jobs all my life and what I've got to show for them is bad eyesight and a worse attitude.

The Ministry of Propaganda is going to be well-funded and loaded with pension jobs that come with private offices.

I'll be the guy who writes The Glorious Leader's biography. Donald Trump's never been in the military, you say? In my biography, he'll have been wounded during the firefight that killed Osama bin Laden.

I'll be the guy who explains that the new laws aren't really "segregation." They're laws defending small businesses from having to serve people they don't like. They're laws guaranteeing the right to private property that our Founding Fathers loved so much.

I'll explain why every war is self-defense. I'll explain why prohibiting any religion other than Christianity isn't bigotry; it's a "return to the Bible-based values on which this country was built." I'll explain the heroism of all military service and the sacredness of the flag.

I'll get a uniform. I know I will because the Ministry of Propaganda is a fighting unit dedicated to fighting our left-wing enemies here at home. Black is a nice uniform color. Black is powerful. Don't worry, though. I won't be close to any shooting. Ministry of Propaganda lives are too precious to waste.

If there's any kind of rationing, you know us Ministry of Propaganda guys are going to get first dibs on the tobacco and whiskey. We'll need to smoke and drink a lot if we're going to successfully explain why rationing will guarantee total victory over our enemies.

I will never write the phrase "labor camp." They are "contained communities designed for the protection of their inhabitants."

My clever (and wholly paid-for) pen will explain why our defeats are actually victories and our massacres never happened.

Once the mass deportations start, there will be another perk to my job.

Let's say you're a woman, say 20 years old. (And trust me, some of us ministry guys are gonna like 'em a LOT younger.) Let's say you don't want to go back to Guatemala. I know people. I can help you. Have a cigarette. Have a drink. Relax.

I won't get in trouble for that, either. The New America will break the stranglehold of political correctness.

It's going to be a glorious world when America is great again. There will be jobs again, jobs for all kinds of people. All of it will be explained to you by cynical old hacks like me. Just remember: He who sells out first gets the best price.

Dion's latest book, "King of The World On $14 an Hour," is a collection of his best 2014 columns and is available for Nook and Kindle. To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

Photo credit: ed ouimette