Newt Gingrich is running for president ... of the Confederacy. Ron Paul is running for president ... of the Confederacy. Rick Santorum is running for president ... of the Confederacy, but with tougher sodomy laws. Rick Perry is running for president ... of the Confederacy, but with a picture of Jesus on the money. Mitt Romney is running for president ... of the Lebanon, Mo., Chamber of Commerce ... in 1960.

Of course, no serial adulterer, nut job or Jesus-jumper COULD have been elected president of the Confederacy, and gentlemen did not discuss homosexuality on the porch of the Ole Plantation.

Which leaves Romney with the best chance, since the last few presidents have all reminded me of Chamber of Commerce presidents.

That is not a compliment. Chamber of Commerce presidents are built to lobby the local city council on behalf of "TED'S-BUY-HERE-PAY-HERE USED CARS," which is having trouble renewing its license due to back taxes owed. They are not built to lead nations.

Ah, but turn not the page on Republican candidates. They teach us to slough.

By this, I mean that the right wing of the Republican Party, which these days is both wings and the middle, has taught us the value of sloughin'' it off.

Is mail delivery expensive? Slough it off. Bye-bye post office! Hard keeping peace in the world? Slough it off. Tough to raise people from poverty, feed the hungry, arrest drug dealers and protect people from workplace harassment? Slough it off.

"The government should not be in the business of ..."

Fill in the blank, and you've got Ron Paul's platform.

"Throwing money at the problem won't fix ..."

Fill in the blank, and you've got the entire Republican platform.

So, what business is the government in if we elect one of the tiny imagination boys?

The next time I'm driving drunk with one headlight out and no license, and I get pulled over, I'm gonna slough it off.

"Government," I'll tell the cop, "should not be in the business of creating onerous regulations like driver's licenses or supporting a huge bureaucracy dedicated to writing headlight regulations and drunk-driving laws that kill bartender jobs."

Cops (at least the ones I know) tend to be conservatives. Hearing my patriotic plea for smaller government, the cop will probably let me go. Or perhaps he'll summon other cops who will beat me savagely, in which case my only hope is that the whole sorry incident is being videotaped by a homeless veteran with an Obama phone. The take from the resulting lawsuit should be huge, easily enough to become a crack addict.

And won't that be perfect? Arrested for violating onerous government regulations, I'll be beaten by unionized government employees, my lawsuit will be enabled by an entitlement program, and I'll live the rest of my life on money I got from the government.

Hell, maybe I'll run for president.

Of the Confederacy.

I don't think the Confederacy had drunk driving laws.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com

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