Are you free for supper

Next Sunday night at 9?

We're having some folks over

And hope you'll come and dine!

Just let us know if you might

Be allergic to

Crusty, fresh-baked baguettes,

Champagne or French beef stew.

You know, I went to chef school

And earned a Mich'lin star,

But not to worry; I know

How diners these days are!

So, if you're going cave man

And "Eat meat now!" you say,

We'll grill a stegosaurus!

(Or burgers, anyway.)

Do you still eat the bun part?

Or is bread now a sin?

If so, we'll get fresh seaweed

To wrap those burgers in.

We'll serve them up with french fries,

Unless you're bringing Dave.

If so, we'll steam some turnips —

We know they are Dave's fave!

And while we're on the topic

Of foods you might not eat,

Let me know if you want

Only plant-based meat.

You may be going vegan —

So many are these days —

If so, we'll have clean options

That you can — ha-ha — graze.

Bean dip with bean crackers

With bean spread on the side,

Followed by a festive

Pod made out of Tide.

Or if it's carbs you're shunning,

We'll serve something delish!

Expect baloney heroes

On bread made out of fish.

Or if you're carbo-loading,

On carbo food we'll sup!

It's just the same as keto ...

(Or am I all mixed up?)

And if you say you're fasting,

That's not a problem here.

We'll give you your own napkin

And empty stein of beer.

And then if you get hungry,

But gluten-free you've gone,

I'll whip you up some cupcakes

Made of rice and Dawn.

And if you ask for bone broth

To buffen up your glutes,

I'll make it extra tasty

By using bones of newts.

If you are eating low-fat,

On joy we'll not abstain.

Shredded wheat's a godsend,

In tacos or just plain!

You may say no to sugar,

So for dessert I'll make

A bowl of cod roe ice cream

To serve with Splenda cake.

So, please, tell me your choices

Of what you cannot eat

Otherwise it's stew, baguettes

And cold Chateau Lafite.

Lenore Skenazy is president of Let Grow, founder of Free-Range Kids and author of "Has the World Gone Skenazy?" To learn more about Lenore Skenazy (Lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: karriezhu at Pixabay