The new year is almost here at last! We've dusted off our trusty celebrity crystal ball and we're ready to make our fearless predictions about Hollywood and its stars in 2014.

First off: Justin Bieber will retire from music, as he has been threatening to do. The retirement will last less than a year, yet his return will be heralded with ads screaming, "He's back!!" and everyone will be expected to be excited about it.

The third "Bill & Ted" movie will have time and dimension-traveling slackers Bill (Alex Winter) and Ted (Keanu Reeves) as 50-something-year-olds — and because of it, grey-haired, slang-slinging dudes will come into vogue. No word yet on whether it's true that the plot has the pair going back to hell, where they encounter meth dealer Walter White (Bryan Cranston) in a cameo appearance.

Bryan Cranston will win his fourth "Breaking Bad" Emmy.

Miley Cyrus has straddled a wrecking ball in the nude for all the world to see, masturbated in her "Adore You" video and is now running out of parts to put on exhibition. So brace yourselves for her 2014 release: "The Gynecological Exam Album."

"Duck Dynasty's" Phil Robinson will be courted by Fox News to join its team of commentators.

A star will be hospitalized for "exhaustion," while really dealing with drug/alcohol rehab. Make that a bunch of stars.

Jennifer Lawrence will be nominated for another Oscar for "American Hustle," this time for Best Supporting Actress, but will lose to Oprah Winfrey ("The Butler") — making Oprah's Golden Globes snub all the more glaring.

"August: Osage County" will bring Meryl Streep her 18th Oscar nomination, but not her fourth win. That Best Actress statuette will go to cast mate Julia Roberts.

The Best Actor Oscar race will shape up as a clash of the titans (Hanks, Redford, DiCaprio, etc.) vs. 36-year-old Chitwetel Ejiofor, who just might pull off a win for "12 Years a Slave."

"Duck Dynasty's" Phil Robinson will be courted by the Republican party to run for political office.

Kanye West's "Yeezus" and Beyonce's "Yonce" are smash hits. Now in the planning for '14: "Yady Yaya," the follow-up to Lady Gaga's disappointing "Artpop."

Taylor Swift will write an angry post-breakup song that will become a hit — a safe prediction any year.

U2 will do a world tour that will be one of the biggest pop music events of '14.

"Her," Spike Jonze's film in which Joaquin Phoenix plays a man who falls in love with his operating system, will prove to have real-life counterparts as stories emerge about users who have developed abnormal affection for their GPS voice systems.

Another tech-related new mental-emotional issue will emerge as binge watching escalates, with viewers sitting through multiple seasons' worth of shows such as "Lost," "The Sopranos" and "Sex and the City" in psychosis-producing marathons. This will become such a problem that Dr. Drew Pinsky will have a whole new show to deal with telebinge rehab.

Now that the networks have figured out that live musicals can draw an audience, and live sports events an even bigger audience, it won't be long before two-in-one events are foisted upon the viewing public. Imagine it — New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees throws a 35-yard pass to wide receiver Marques Colston for a touchdown while Hugh Jackman performs "I Got Rhythm" in the end zone and the crowd goes wild.

Baby Boy Cowell — son-on-the-way of Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman — will be the object of designers and companies vying to get the infant into their clothes and toys for promotional purposes. Thus, he will be joining the over-indulged celebrity baby contingent now led by Blue Ivy Carter (Tom Ford has designed for her) and North West, who has been seen sporting duds by Stella McCartney and Hermes Paris on Mommy Kim Kardashian's Instagram account.

"Dancing With the Stars," the great salvager of faded and ruined careers, will seek to enlist "Duck Dynasty's" Phil Robinson as a contestant, thereby keeping alive its tradition of stunt casting.

And a star will get a lot of attention for a new hairstyle when, in fact, the hair look was adopted to distract from a facelift — another safe prediction any year.

Here's hoping your New Year gives you a lift.