Dear Annie: My wife and I are members of a local church, though I will admit we are not exactly front-pew regulars. We go about once a month, sometimes more during holidays or when life is calmer. Our faith matters to us, but we practice it quietly and privately.

One of our neighbors and her husband also belong to the same church. They are much more involved. He does readings, and she sings in the choir. I respect that, and I admire people who give so much of their time.

The problem is that this neighbor seems to have appointed herself the church attendance monitor. At neighborhood cookouts, driveway chats and casual gatherings, she will say, in front of others, "I didn't see you in church on Sunday."

It always lands like a little public scolding. My wife and I both feel embarrassed, as if we have been called to the principal's office in front of the whole class. Sometimes there is a perfectly good reason we missed church. Sometimes we were tired, traveling, helping family or just needed a quiet Sunday at home. But I do not think we should have to explain ourselves.

We like our neighbors and do not want to create hard feelings. At the same time, our church attendance is personal, and I do not appreciate being shamed over potato salad at a block party.

What can I say that is polite, firm and maybe even a little humorous, so she gets the message without turning it into a neighborhood feud? — Keeping the Faith Privately

Dear Keeping the Faith: Your neighbor may have an important role singing in the choir, but that does not make her head of admissions.

The next time she points out that she didn't see you in church on Sunday, smile and say, "We must have missed each other. But thank you for thinking of us." Then change the subject.

If she insists on figuring out what you did in the time you weren't at church, say something even clearer, such as, "We prefer to keep our church attendance private." Translation: It is none of her business. But that is subtly said with a hymnal in one hand and good manners in the other.

You do not owe her any explanation on what you do with your own time and how you observe your own religion. Faith is something that many people consider to be deeply personal, and you have every right to keep yours private.

"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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