Editor's Note: Hundreds of Ann Landers' loyal readers have requested that newspapers continue to publish her columns. These letters originally appeared in 1999.

Dear Ann Landers: My mother has been a widow for several years and is now in her late 70s. She lives alone and has always been fiercely independent. She appears to be in very good health. In fact, there are days when I think she may outlive me.

In recent conversations, Mom has made it plain that under no circumstances will she ever go into a retirement home. She says, "When the time comes that I cannot manage on my own, I will live with you." Ann, the thought of us living together is very upsetting. In fact, it's my worst nightmare. I love my mother dearly, but I must take time away from her every three days, or else we end up fighting.

I try to visit or communicate with Mom on a daily basis because I am her only friend. Being a realist, I am certain that eventually I am going to have to place my mother in some sort of facility. She refuses to discuss the matter. Whenever I bring up the subject, she acts as if I'm trying to lock her in a dungeon.

Please ask your readers who are living in retirement centers to write about their experiences. You have taught me that there can be no better teacher than someone who has been there. Perhaps your readers can help my mother see things differently. Thanks, Ann. — T.M. in Orlando, Fla.

Dear T.M.: Here's your letter, and I'll let you know of my readers' responses.

Dear Ann Landers: After several years of failed fertility procedures, my husband and I decided to adopt a child. We were thrilled when, soon after, a baby became available through a private adoption agency. At the birth mother's request, the baby was handed over to us while the legal documents were being drawn up.

Four weeks after becoming settled into motherhood, my friends gave me a wonderful baby shower. As my mother so diligently taught me, I quickly wrote each and every one a thank-you note for the beautiful gifts. Three days after my notes were mailed, I received a call informing me that the birth mother had changed her mind and decided not to sign the adoption papers. She wanted her baby back. Of course, we had to give up that precious child.

My husband and I are devastated beyond words. I am at a loss as to what to do about the lovely gifts I received at the shower. Should I send them back? What is the proper procedure? I need your advice. — Empty Arms in Arkansas

Dear Empty Arms: What a sad letter. My heart goes out to you. Yes, dear, you must return the gifts with a brief note explaining the circumstances. I'm sure your friends will rally around and help you get through this painful time.

Drugs are everywhere. They're easy to get, easy to use and even easier to get hooked on. If you have questions about drugs, you need Ann Landers' booklet, "The Lowdown on Dope." To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

ANN LANDERS

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