Q: The problem is that I do not know what I want to do when I grow up. I have been in recruiting for 17 years and feel burned out. This has caused my family situation to be challenging for me. Five years ago my wonderful wife was laid off from her job and gave birth to our second child. She took that time to find out what she wanted to do and created a personal training/group exercise/yoga business. She is an independent contractor, thus, no benefits. She does well for herself, but not well enough for us to live off her income. I am responsible for about 70 percent of our support, 80 percent of our retirement and 100 percent of the benefits.
I was recently laid off and given 30 days to stay with the company and transition my work to a variety of leaders. During that time, I quickly found a job that I am four months into. I wish I would have taken more time for me, but since I was not sure of what I wanted to do, I stayed in my field and accepted a good paying job at a great company with great benefits.
Unfortunately, I feel more stressed than ever. Since all my experience is one industry, it's a struggle to get out and do anything else. I am at a crossroads. My wife is fully supportive of what I want to do next, but I am responsible for the benefits for my family of four; I am confused and not sure where to turn.
A: You and your wife would greatly benefit from family therapy. Neither of you should be making decisions independent of each other without regard for the family as a unit. A therapist would raise important issues for you and your wife to discuss openly so you both could hear unbiased feedback from the therapist. You and your wife need to agree on her role as a mother and as a business owner. It's good she started a business in these popular fields, so her next goal should be to market it to turn it into a viable business and more than just a hobby. This will depend on her time involvement and dedication to being a mother.
Once both of you agree on the goals for your wife's business, you must turn your attention to finding a career that satisfies your personal, career and family needs. It's good you found a job netting a high income with good benefits, but your growing stress is an important indicator that you are unhappy. Your stress is causing far more than confusion. If you don't focus on discovering what your career passions are, your stress will increase, no matter how much you love your wife and family. Unresolved stress will gradually build and eventually seep out in direct and indirect ways, which is the predecessor that leads couples to arguments and potential divorces.
Throughout your letter, you mention how wonderful your wife is. It sounds like you are emphasizing your devotion as a way of convincing yourself into staying in job that upsets you. Supporting the family should be important to both you and your wife, but you must find a way for both of you to be satisfied in careers.
When you search for a family therapist, you do not have to continue with the first one you meet. Not all therapists are equal in education and ability, and you both need to find one you respect. There should be no favoritism of either party. Therapists have different personalities, different approaches to create open communication and uncover brewing problems and employ various ways of suggesting options for discovery and assessment. This is not a process your friends or family can help you with, nor should they be aware of or involved in on either side. Also, the road to resolution takes commitment and will not be achieved within weeks, but once it is, you should both lead a happier life together. Compromise is an important part of any relationship, but sacrifice of personal happiness is not.
Email career and life coach LindseyNovak@yahoo.com with your workplace questions and experiences. For more information, visit www.lindseyparkernovak.com and for past columns, see www.creators.com/read/At-Work-Lindsey-Novak.
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