What could be more fun than a job interview?
A root canal? A rerun of the remake of "Charmed"?
How about hitting your head with a hammer?
The truth is that almost anything is more fun than a job interview, except, maybe, actually getting the job. That's no fun at all.
Jen Doll, the author of "7 Successful People Dish on Their Worst Job Interviews (and What They Learned)," a recent article in The New York Times, is not shy in confessing her typical reactions to an upcoming interview. "My heart starts beating faster, I feel slightly nauseated and I wonder how I might mess up again."
She is not alone.
According to a study by Dr. David Austern "92 percent of adults have job interview anxiety." (The remaining 8 percent, one assumes, simply pass out in the waiting room and are rushed to the emergency room, frothing at the mouth. Whether they get the job is anyone's guess.)
Typical fears of anxious job interviewees are worries "we won't be able to express ourselves clearly, or that we won't look right."
As someone who can never express themselves clearly, and who always looks wrong, you may find it difficult to get over these fears before the interviewer starts the torture session with their first trick question, "How are you today?"
Fortunately, Doll has put together a potpourri of good advice from people who had bad interviews and lived to talk about them.
Like Kashif Naqshbandi, who managed to sink an interview at the first handshake. That's because he had not washed off a nightclub stamp he received the night before. Overcompensating for the perceived impression of debauchery, Kashif missed an opportunity to "show honesty and willingness to discuss difficult and sensitive subjects."
I recommend taking control of the situation by starting every interview with a list of tough questions for the interviewer.
Once you know their opinions on difficult and highly sensitive subjects, like politics, religion, and whether the Whopper is better than the Big Mac, you can feel free to show honesty and agree with absolutely everything they had to say.
It may not make you feel less anxious, but it will get you the job.
Sometimes it is the interviewer who creates the anxiety. Annemarie Dooling's job interview soured when her potential boss was "barefoot while eating a sandwich among stacks and stacks of paper sitting on her floor."
Big woo! The interview you want to ace is with the barefoot boss who has stacks and stacks of sandwiches sitting on her floor.
One shocking takeaway from Doll's article is that the person sitting behind the desk "is a human just like you." Even more surprising, they "may be just as nervous as you are."
If you sense this is the case, take time to calm the interviewer. "Don't be a nervous Norbert," you say. "You know I'm completely wrong for this job and I know I would hate working here. Let's find a way to kill 20 minutes, pretending to interview before you reject me and I storm out of the office. How about a friendly game of Farkle? Ten cents a point; winner takes all."
Nervous Norbert is sure to agree and, perhaps, actually recommend you for the job. It's the only way he can get even.
Another bad interview story comes from novelist Marie Myung-OK Lee, who allowed her college admissions interview to turn into a "knockdown drag out argument... even though I knew I'd kiboshed my chances."
Since you have no strong feelings about anything, except maybe the totally immoral shrinking of the Snickers bars, you will have to make up an issue that inflames you. Be prepared to fight to the death if the interviewer challenges your opinion that the earth is flat or the moon landing was fake.
Of course, what matters is that you stick to your stupid idea no matter what evidence the interviewer throws at you.
The ability to ignore facts and stick to an idiotic opinion shows that you are not only a viable employee but also a candidate for a high-level managerial position.
If all else fails, "the best thing you can do is move on." Just be sure to send the interviewer a scorching, follow-up email. Explain that you wouldn't work for the stupid jerks at their dumb company no matter how much they pay you.
Send it off and sit back. The email telling you that the job is yours is sure to arrive the instant you press "send."
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.
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