What could be worse than sitting at your desk doing work that is unfulfilling, useless and silly?
Going to a conference and spending three days talking about work that is unfulfilling, useless and silly.
It wouldn't be so bad if the conference were held in a better venue — maybe the Kit Kat Klub on all-you-can-eat wings Wednesday. But you know that isn't going to happen. To attend an official conference, you have to fly 1,500 miles to some hick town in the middle of the middle of nowhere, where you'll stay for an eternity at a soulless chain hotel and wear a stupid lanyard around your neck with your name on it so the police can send you back to the conference when your brain explodes on Day 12 and you try to make a run for it.
Talk about breakout sessions.
If you have a conference in your future, or fear that you will be invited to one, George Bradt has recently published an extremely useful article on Forbes.com, "Getting the Most Out of Conventions and Large Gatherings."
As someone who missed all eight days of the totally riveting National Ground Water Expo by hiding in his room at the Holiday Inn Express in Squeamish Falls, Minnesota, you are probably looking for some tips to help you survive your next conference.
Bradt has three:
1. Prepare in advance.
"The best prepared convention attendees will think through where they need help strategically, organizationally or operationally," he writes, "and then seek out sessions and individuals at the convention that can help them with that."
Good advice.
Before the conference begins, study the conference program carefully. Highlight the topics in which you need the most help, since those are the panels and breakout sessions you will definitely want to avoid. By attending only the events that have absolutely nothing to do with you or your career, you won't leave the conference more depressed than when you arrived.
(WARNING: Be especially aware of any event for which the program says, "No-Host Bar." Much better to wander the hotel looking for private suites set up by companies who want to booze schmooze potential buyers. Yes, you don't currently see yourself as the owner of a Ms. Muffler franchise, but after a few Vaportinis, that could change.)
2. Fully engage.
Some conference attendees only come for part of the event. Others "are physically there throughout, but spend a lot of their time emailing or texting others."
Surely, you have written or received such texts, like "Help! I am being held prisoner at the International Fastener Expo. Please send help."
Bradt suggests that those who get the most out of a conference will "engage from general sessions to breakouts to breaks to social gatherings." The idea is to make important personal connections, which you can leverage in the future. For this reason, you will want to take pictures of attendees throwing water balloons off the balcony into the atrium below or doing beer bongs in the meditation lounge. A photo like this attached to a resume can do wonders in your future job-hunting efforts.
Panels are another excellent way to fully engage. Not attending them, of course. That's boring. But how exciting would it be to sneak onto the podium and pretend to be a panelist, or even a keynoter, especially if the panel is on a topic you know absolutely nothing about.
Don't be modest — everyone wants to hear your evaluation of changes in storm water discharge as a consequence of block paving in heavily suburbanized areas.
3. Follow through.
As we always say, what happens at the National Parking Association Annual Conference stays at the National Parking Association Annual Conference. If you are going to leave behind your memories of CEOs playing naked water polo in the hotel swimming pool, you should use what else you've learned when the convention is over.
"The most impact will be made by those who plan to follow through," Bradt concludes. "They won't treat the convention as a self-contained event. They will embrace it as one step in their overall journey."
Of course, if you were smart and totally embarrassed your company and yourself, your managers may never send you to another conference again. You'll have to continue your journey in the office, unsupervised, free to do whatever you want, even start a convention for people who have been banned from conferences for life.
Now, that's a conference I'd like to attend.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.
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