Well, June is half over and, once again, no one has asked me to give the commencement address at a college graduation.

Personally, I've long ago given up on Harvard. The Ivies may be terrific at producing future politicians, hedge fund managers, and other run-of-the mill felons, but they haven't had a decent speech since 1831, when Richard Whately, the British rhetorician, delivered a real barnburner. I know. I was there, or, at least, it feels like it.

I was hoping that a second- or twelfth-tier college might make an offer. In 1996, I was high on the list at Long Island University, but lost out to Kermit the Frog. Recently, I had high hopes for Kettleman City Junior College, but they decided to go with Scott Walker. (Well, I hope he feels better winning something.) That leaves only Trump University, and I hear they're leaning towards Meghan Trainor.

Rodney Dangerfield couldn't get a break. I can't get an honorary diploma.

Despite the fact that no one asks me to speak, I do think about what I would say. That's why I was ever so happy to come across "25 of the best pieces of advice ever given to graduates," a Rachel Gillet post for Business Insider.

"If you're offered a seat on a rocket ship, don't ask what seat. Just get on," is what Sheryl Sandberg told the Harvard Class of 2012. This is good advice, but if you get chosen to speak, you might have to slightly revise these words of wisdom to explain how you landed in your current job. As in, "if you're offered a seat on a garbage scow, don't ask what seat. Just hold your nose and get on."

"Do the stuff that only you can do" author Neil Gaiman told 2012 graduates of the University of the Arts. "The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you're walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside ... that's the moment you may be starting to get it right."

You remember that moment, I'm sure. Alas, when you decided to expose yourself by walking naked into the Monday morning staff meeting, all that started was visits from the HR department. They didn't charge you with sexual harassment, luckily, but your co-workers did complain that seeing you in the buff had made them give up sex altogether.

Another author, Michael Lewis, advised the 2012 class of Princeton graduates to never forget how lucky they were. "All of you have been faced with the extra cookie," he said. "In time you will find it easy to assume that you deserve the extra cookie."

To which I would add: "If you are faced with an extra cookie, which just happens to be in the bag lunch a co-worker hid in the back of the break room refrigerator, you will, in time — around 11 a.m. to be specific — not only feel that you deserve this extra cookie, but also the tuna sandwich and Sun Chips that are in the bag, as well. Of course, if the cookie turns out to be a gluten-free, peanut butter and kale cookie, you can put the uneaten part back in the bag, along with a list of the stores that sell Pepperidge Farm. Hey, someone's got to school this doofus.

I was definitely going to borrow some of the remarks of Jose Andres, the James Beard award-winning chef who delivered the 2014 commencement address at George Washington University. "Get a cocktail shaker" was the chef's advice, which I think is pretty good advice in almost any situation, including going down on the Titanic. "Add your heart, your soul, your brain, your instinct and shake it hard," he explained, but he never told the graduates what to do if you don't have any of those ingredients. "It's not a problem," I will tell my graduating class. "You can always substitute vodka."

How many opportunities to give commencement addresses I have lost to Oprah Winfrey I cannot count. But you can understand why colleges choose her. In 2008, Oprah gave Stanford graduates a piece of advice that has become part of our working lives. "The trick is to learn to check your ego at the door," Oprah said, "and start checking your gut instead."

Checking our gut is something we do the moment we walk in the door. And then we turn around and walk out the door. As our gut never fails to tell us — it's time for lunch.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.