Interested in a job at Google? Like the idea of a ginormous salary, hot and cold running stock options, and a free-for-all, all-you-can-eat cafeteria that would put a Smorgy Bob's to shame?

Well, count me out.

There was a time when such emollients would attract me, but those days are over.

It isn't me who has changed. It's Google.

Or so I decided after reading "Google's Plan for the Future of Work: Privacy Robots and Balloon Walls," a Daisuke Wakabayashi article in The New York Times.

I never visited the Googleplex, but I remember how those of us stuffed into stone-age cubicles envied the Googlers with their "airy, open offices and whimsical common spaces." About the only thing whimsical about our offices was the green mold growing in the break room frig.

But even a high-tech powerhouse like Google has to change. Sending workers home was the easy part. Now the company is tackling the difficult task of luring workers back when the massage rooms and fitness centers are closed, and the free cafeteria is forced to "move from buffet style to boxed, grab-and-go meals."

Really! How can anyone be expected to work under these conditions?

To create an inviting "post-pandemic workplace" the company asked "a diverse group of consultants to imagine what future workers would want." You would think it would be easier for Google to Google the question, but just to show what a swell person I am, I will provide my opinion, gratis.

1. Team Pods.

"Instead of rows of desks next to cookie-cutter meeting rooms, Google is designing 'Team Pods.'" Each pod is a "blank canvas," allowing teams to arrange and rearrange their furniture as often as they'd like." Unfortunately, the office items available for mixing and matching are rather mundane — desks, chairs, whiteboards. I recommend they add BarcaLoungers for employees who miss their home offices, and fainting couches for employees who see their drooping stock options drop out of sight.

Any team that requests a whiteboard should be fired immediately. They're up to something.

2. Campfire Meeting Rooms.

Stay-at-homers can now gain equal representation in meetings with come-to-workers. In a Campfire meeting room, participants "sit in a circle interspersed with impossible-to-ignore, large vertical displays" that "show the faces of people dialing in by videoconference." A Campfire meeting is your dream come true, if your dream is to get your nose on a giant video screen and show your co-workers your pores. The concept should also improve employee morale, as the decision to sit around a campfire will, no doubt, cause the participants to open and close every meeting by singing Kumbaya.

3. Camp Google.

Google's space-planners must harbor strong memories of their teenage years at summer camp. The Camp Google concept is "a mix of grass and wooden deck flooring" with "clusters of tables and chairs under open-air tents." Each "teepee" has a "camp-theme name such as "kindling, s'mores, and canoe."

I assume that management titles will change to match the summer camp theme, with low-level managers renamed "pack leaders," and executive vice presidents becoming "head counselors." Meanwhile, the marketing and sales departments can spend their days playing capture the flag, when employees are not busy writing letters to their parents on how much fun they are having at work.

This is a charming idea, I think, and perfect for a company that that is committed to convincing their employees that they're not coming to work; they're coming for a very well-paid play date.

4. Smart Desks.

Workers who only visit the office occasionally can customize their desks with the swipe of a work badge. The desk automatically "calibrates the height and tilt of the monitor," and "brings up family photos on a display." I think you can expect upgrades that will let your smart desk help you lose the weight you gained while working from home.

"Look who is eating their third donut this morning," your smart chair will report to your smart desk. "It's definitely time to trigger the ejection seat."

5. Privacy Robots.

If a meeting requires privacy, a computer on wheels can "inflate a translucent, cellophane balloon wall to keep prying eyes away." Of course, if the robot senses that a meeting has deteriorated into unproductive name-calling, it could pump helium into the balloon and send the participants flying into the stratosphere, never to be heard from again.

Only the robots and the smart desks would be left to run the company.

Personally, I think it would be an improvement.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: geralt at Pixabay