Today's column stubbornly refuses to answer this question: Both of the approved COVID-19 vaccines are effective, but which vaccine is more stylish?

That's the question I have: Fancy Pfizer or Mid-Century Moderna? It doesn't matter which one you get, I suppose, because both are incredibly wonderful and miraculous. Still, I can't help but wonder: Which vaccine will flow into the arm of Beyonce?

Think about it.

Or don't. Frankly, you have more important things to think about, such as whether working from home is a forever proposition or just a phase our economy is going through. It's a horrible thought, but you could eventually be dragged back to the position for which you were hired — a position that came with a punishing commute, a madhouse office environment, and the always risky possibility that being in the same space as your boss might mean you actually have to do some work.

The solution is to get a job where it is understood from day one that you will always be a remote worker. Think it's impossible to nab a high-paying remote position? Stephanie Vozza disagrees, which is probably why she wrote "These are the top-paying remote jobs and how you can land one," an aspirational article published by Fast Company.

Right from the jump, Vozza makes it clear that remote superjobs are not for everybody. "These roles for knowledge workers offer a strong outlook today, and in the future," she writes.

You see the problem. The beauty remote jobs are for "knowledge workers." We "lack-of-knowledge workers" have to fend for ourselves.

Fortunately, with a little advice from me and a little finagling from you, some of these employment plums could be picked.

Such as cloud engineer, an IT job with an average annual salary of $95,961. You, being you, you will immediately say that you don't know anything about the cloud, but let's face facts. Nobody knows anything about the cloud!

Nobody knows where it is, for example. I'm sure you've heard that the cloud lives in temperature-controlled bunkers in Iceland. Or maybe it's hiding in the satellites Google and Microsoft have circling the Earth, absolutely not spying on us.

My point is simple. Cloud engineer is a job you could keep for years and never do anything, except maybe snag a trip to Iceland, and how bad is that?

Except for puffin burgers, not bad at all.

Remote finance and math jobs offer "some of the highest paying roles that can be done remotely."

See, your eighth-grade teacher was right when they said you really could use trigonometry when you grew up.

Putting aside the math jobs, a remote job in finance would be sweet. The average financial manager pulls down a salary of $73,154. Not bad for sitting in your BarcaLounger and watching the Dow Jones Industrial Average tick up and down.

Naturally, there is no "average financial manager"; they're all absolutely terrible. They never can correctly predict the stock market or anything else. And even when they do what they do best — pilfering funds from their clients' accounts — they always get caught.

When you see your financial manager doing the perp walk from the beach house to the courthouse, you'll know what I mean.

The final category that Vozza discusses is remote business jobs. These include sales director, with an average salary of $100,431, and marketing director, with a salary of $88,211.

These are interesting possibilities, and you certainly do not need trigonometry to do either, but the remote job in this category that I recommend most strongly is human resources director (salary $88,921).

What makes human resources director the best remote job?

Think back to ancient times, when you worked in an office. When you received a message that an HR person wanted to see you, did you ever think, "Oh boy! This is an opportunity for career advancement!"?

Not even close.

When you're the remote HR director, no one will want to Zoom with you. No one will want to hear from you. Ever. Everybody will be perfectly happy if you earn your $88,921 while sitting on a talcum-powder beach, sipping mimosas and doing absolutely nothing.

So be of good cheer. You don't have to be worried about being dragged back to your old office. You can keep your home office and earn megabucks while doing it. And if you do have to trudge back to a working world of killer commutes, exasperating co-workers and lukewarm water coolers, all the while earning a puny salary, don't despair.

Beyonce and I will still love you.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: PublicDomainPictures at Pixabay