There is a man who knows what his 21-year-old daughter in college needs to do to overcome addiction because he himself once struggled to stop getting high. He was 30 when he first tried to stop and 35 before he did, and though he's been clean and sober ever since, he has to remind himself all the time that his journey is not his daughter's.

It's so hard. At least he isn't alone.

The last of the baby boomers turns 50 this year. From 1946-64, this generation includes many who came of age and came into recovery during an era when addicts and alcoholics who wanted to stop finally had options beyond the insane asylum, prison or death. The birth of the 12 steps in 1935, the development of other proven therapies and the dramatic expansion of treatment facilities, insurance coverage to pay for treatment and even medications to cut cravings all opened a door to hope, help and healing. The past half-century has been a relatively good time to have this bad illness. Addiction is no longer a hopeless illness without a solution. Just ask the millions of people who have recovered.

As never before, though, these veterans of addiction among the baby boomers are encountering a new struggle, one faced by anyone with a loved one caught in the grip of alcohol or other substances — what to do and how to help their own children and even their grandchildren.

I get the question every week and more than ever before. It's a tough one to answer when the people who ask were, like me, once addicts and have as much experience as I do. They don't want their own next generation to follow in their footsteps, though that is happening.

Take the father of the 21-year-old. He recounts: "I compare my daughter's plight with mine way back when, and I say, 'Well, when I was her age, I was nowhere near where she is, because I had no idea I had a problem or that there was another choice. At least she knows she's got options. She's not in denial." Besides, he knows he can't force his daughter into recovery.

But the father is caught in a bind. "I'm scared. All these years later, I know my bottom, and man, I don't want her to reach that depth before she turns it around and gets help. I don't know how to 'let go' and let her find her way when I know too much about how bad it can still get."

My own experience directs my counsel to him.

"Lead by example by inviting your daughter to join you on your own recovery journey. Tell her that you know it's not the only way for her to go but it has worked for you and it is a lot easier for her to follow along a well-worn path, even though in the end, she may need to blaze a trail that takes a very different route than yours. Remember that it isn't the course that matters as much as where it takes her, to a better place. Remind her where you were in your own journey when you were 21. She'll see that she's already got a lead on her old man.

"Even from afar, it is possible to help her steer the way, by openly communicating about it. Don't force it on her. Don't stay silent, either. Just share it. Encourage it, gently and steadily. Talk about it as you would talk about the weather or the score of the game, matter-of-factly. Screams and demands never work.

"Encourage honesty without consequence. Nothing shuts down a young person more than the fear of punishment or retribution.

"But do set expectations. She's a college student away from home. Tell her you expect her to seek help, keep her grades above the academic probation danger zone, let you know how she's doing and avoid trouble. And by the way, if trouble does unfold, tell her you'd rather hear it from her first than hear it first from the police or the school.

"One more important step," I remind the father. "Take care of yourself. I've known many people in recovery who derail when they are sidetracked by a loved one's own addiction struggle. They don't relapse. But they sure do act and behave as if they're under the influence, and they are. Only it is somebody else's drinks and drugs."

William Moyers is the vice president of public affairs and community relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs. His book "Now What? An Insider's Guide to Addiction and Recovery" was published last year. Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.