The Major League Eating research division of the International Federation of Competitive Eating (these are the folks who officially sanction gluttonous events like the annual July 4 Coney Island hot dog spectacle) have released "the results of a years-long study into the most efficient method for eating chicken wings."

The, uh, "researchers" say their two methods could save Americans an estimated 116 million hours annually consuming a reported 24 billion wings. The so-called typewriter eating style, according to the MLE report, is the most efficient method for consuming a drum-style "wing," while the "wishbone" approach works best for actual wings.

"American exceptionalism is not dead," said MLE chairman George Shea, tongue (if not wing) firmly in cheek. "This time savings represents a staggering amount of potential computing power. If we can focus it on specific tasks, we can solve some of our culture's most intractable problems. The potential is greater than MOOCs, Google Glass and the Segway combined. This is our Higgs boson."

Here's a thought: Perhaps the saved time could be spent reconsidering the wisdom of eating chicken wings altogether. There are approximately 100 calories in a single wing, 60 from fat — and that's before dipping it into sauce.

BODY OF KNOWLEDGE

The surface area of the average, healthy human lung — that is the tissue lining that exchanges inhaled oxygen and exhaled carbon dioxide — is comparable to a tennis court.

GET ME THAT. STAT!

Motor vehicle deaths of children ages 12 and younger have decreased 43 percent over the past decade, but still more than 9,000 youngsters died in auto accidents between 2002 and 2011, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The increased use of age- and size-appropriate car seats, booster seats and seat belts are cited as the biggest reason for the decline, but experts say thousands of children remain at risk, particularly black and Hispanic ones. Almost half of all black and Hispanic children who died in crashes were not buckled up, compared with 26 percent of white children.

NUMBER CRUNCHER

A Duncan Hines Chocolate Lover's Turtle Brownie (2-inch square) contains 130 calories, 27 from fat. It has 3 grams of total fat, or 5 percent of the recommended total-fat intake for a 2,000-calorie daily diet.

It contains no cholesterol; 110 milligrams of sodium (5 percent); 23 grams of total carbohydrates (13 percent); 1 gram of dietary fiber (4 percent); 15 grams of sugar; and 2 grams of protein.

DOC TALK

Gorillacillin — a very powerful antibiotic

PHOBIA OF THE WEEK

Mageirocophobia — fear of cooking

NEVER SAY DIET

The Major League Eating speed-eating record for fried catfish is 7.5 pounds in 10 minutes, held by Patrick Bertoletti. Warning: Most of these records are held by professional eaters; the rest by people who really should find something better to do.

CURTAIN CALLS

Adolf Frederick, king of Sweden, died of digestive problems in 1771 after consuming a meal of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring and champagne, topped off with 14 servings of his favorite dessert: hetvagg, served in a bowl of hot milk. Swedish schoolchildren recall him as the "the king who ate himself to death."

To find out more about Scott LaFee and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.