DR. WALLACE: I'm a parent, not a teenager, but I will have a teenager in a few weeks! My son will turn 13 shortly before Thanksgiving. He's a fine son, and we get along great right now, but I'm worried about his teenage years as they roll forward here soon. I've calculated that he'll be a "teen" for a full seven years until the day he turns 20!

I worry, since my own teenage years were up and down quite a bit and I was truly a handful for my parents back then. I know firsthand what can go wrong during the teen years. And although 13 might not be too tough, I fear that with every following year the possibilities for us to go off the rails, even slightly, will increase. I mentioned seven years since, when I look around at other parents, I notice that many young people at the age of 20 and even beyond are still living in their family homes these days for a variety of reasons.

I've built this issue up of becoming the mother of a teenager in my mind quite a bit, so much so that here I am writing to you to ask you what you feel is the most important thing I can do to help my teen son and myself over his teenage years. Based on your experience, what's the main thing I should do? — Soon the Mom of a Teen, via email

SOON THE MOM OF A TEEN: First of all, congratulations on raising a fine young boy thus far. I feel he'll do well the next seven years and beyond under your diligent and caring tutelage.

The fact that this is an issue that is important enough for you to send your question here demonstrates that you already possess one of the key characteristics of a successful parent, and that is being present and truly caring about being a good parent. The best parents take a serious interest in their children without smothering them with too many rules and unrealistic expectations.

So, the main thing I advise you to do over the next several years is to work very hard to become an excellent listener. Make eye contact, nod at nice things you agree with and refrain from excessive frowning or judgmental body language as you communicate with him. Seek to have your teen maintain an open line of communication with you at all times. Families at times suffer when the communications between parents and a teen dry up. The more you know about his life, what is important to him and how he navigates his way, the better you can be as a parent to guide, encourage and assist him along the way.

His journey will at times need course-correcting, and this is made much easier when you know his situation very well in all aspects of his life. Do your utmost to make mild suggestions without being overbearing. Only put your foot down on the truly key issues that your rules call for, and let him find his own way via the successes and failures he's to experience along the way. Once a teen becomes comfortable and trusts a parent won't ask preemptive negative questions, the odds increase that the parent will receive truthful information about a variety of topics.

Always remember that everyone wants to be heard, and this is especially true of teenagers in today's fast-paced world. Be a wise parent and listen more than you speak, and when you do speak, be as supportive and encouraging as you can while still staying true to your family's ethics, rules and beliefs.

SHOULD I LOOK THE OTHER WAY?

DR. WALLACE: I'm the oldest sibling in our family. I'm 20 and live at home with my parents and my three younger siblings. Our parents both work hard and long hours, so they are not always home until shortly before dinnertime.

My youngest brother is 15 and he's generally a good kid. He has not yet gotten into too much trouble, but lately I've noticed that he hangs around with two older kids who smoke cigarettes. These other boys are 16 and 17 and live at the end of our block. I have not seen my little brother smoke, but I suspect that he does, since whenever I see these other boys they always seem to have a smoke hanging out of their lips, even when they are riding bikes around our neighborhood.

I mentioned this recently to my little bro, but all he said was, "Girls don't understand how boys hang out," as if that gave him some leeway to do what he wishes.

Our parents have a family rule that expressly forbids smoking anything, ever. My mother is very health-conscious, and my father likes to both make and enforce family rules. What should I do here? Should I bring this to my parents' attention or simply look the other way? — His Big Sister, via email

HIS BIG SISTER: First of all, you don't have any proof yet. You suspect you know what is going on, but you still can't be sure. So instead of bringing this to your parents' attention right away, how about doing some stealth observation of your younger brother first?

See if you can observe him with these boys when they are together. You might see your brother smoke at some point. You can also check his clothes to see if they reek of smoke, and if you're bold and creative, you might come up with a way to "innocently" smell his hands to see if you can detect smoke residue there. Perhaps ask him to smell some perfume on one of your hands first, then smell your own perfumed hand again yourself. Follow up by smelling his dominant hand to see how a "normal hand" smells compared with your perfumed hand.

By doing this, you may be able to discern to a very high likelihood that he has indeed been smoking, and if you then believe he has, you can give him one, and only one, warning to immediately knock it off — or else you'll be compelled to inform your parents about the matter.

I can also tell you that studies have shown that children, teens and young adults are much more likely to begin and continue smoking if others in their immediate peer group are existing smokers. And sadly, most teenagers who begin smoking truly believe they can easily quit the habit at any time, but once it takes root, 75% of those who try to quit fail. This is why it's so important that you stay on top of your brother's situation. Don't hesitate to bring your parents into the matter at any time if you feel their input and direction is needed.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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