DR. WALLACE: Our 17-year-old daughter and her father (my husband) recently got into a loud, vocal argument that continued in excess of 30 minutes. My husband was very angry and told her she was living in his house and if she didn't like it here, she should pack up her things and get out.

I was shocked and deeply saddened to hear this. My daughter was giving back to him just as strongly as he was dishing it out. She's quite strong-headed, and I know exactly where she gets that. Anyhow, the argument finally ended with slamming doors and a series of frustrated shouts by both of them.

And since my husband figuratively opened the door to her leaving our home, that's literally what she did. She moved in with her best friend and best friend's mother three blocks from our family home.

We haven't heard a word from her since she moved out. I know she's all right because I've talked with the other mother a few times.

I want my daughter to come home. She is very stubborn and headstrong, and I know she won't return until her father apologizes for basically telling her to move out. The argument came about because we found a pack of cigarettes in her room. My daughter said she was old enough to make her own decisions whether or not to smoke. Her father said she didn't have that choice as long as she lived in our home. The end result is that I "lost" a daughter.

I miss my daughter more than I can describe, and I truly want her to come home as soon as possible. My husband refuses to apologize. He firmly believes he has done the right thing. Do you agree? I hope not, because our daughter is not 18 yet (but will be in less than two months).

I suppose we could legally force her to return home, but I don't like that idea, as the air would be beyond icy at our house under those circumstances, and it would only last less than two months. She'd no doubt bolt right out the door again on her 18th birthday. I want her to return to her home here because I know she misses all of us and because she and her father can be civil to each other. — Heartsick Mother, via email

HEARTSICK MOTHER: Teens must abide by their parents' rules, but enforcing them by an ultimatum is usually ineffective and often winds up with disastrous results. You are now, apparently, living in the fallout of such a disaster due to the horrible argument you described.

Your daughter called her father's bluff. It's now up to him to apologize and ask her to return home. And the apology should have nothing to do with cigarettes. Yes, smoking is a bad habit, but a direct shouting match confrontation over it does no good at all.

Your husband should apologize for losing his cool and telling her to move out. Your daughter belongs at home with her parents! It could be that your daughter will elect to move out anyway soon after she turns 18 anyhow. Wouldn't it be much better to have her spend at least a few harmonious months with her parents before she leaves once and for all? I've received many letters of regret from parents who experienced heated arguments with their children, many of which ended the relationship permanently.

Don't let this happen to your family.

MY PARENTS DON'T LIKE MY GUY

DR. WALLACE: I'm 19 and live at home. Recently, my ex-boyfriend came back into my life. We have been apart for over a year, and I didn't see him during our separation. My parents don't like my ex-boyfriend, and they were actually quite happy that we split up last year. I know they will not be pleased if I let them know I am seeing him again, but I really don't want to have to sneak around with him like we are thieves in the night. What should I do? I've had an excellent relationship with both of my parents for many years now, and I don't want to jeopardize that, but I do want to date my beau! — In a Tight Spot, via email

IN A TIGHT SPOT: Tell your parents that you are seeing your ex again. Better they hear it from you than from someone else. Remember, if you and your guy keep on dating, it will only be a matter of time until your parents find out via one manner or another.

If your boyfriend has made improvements in his behavior (and he must have if you're seeing him again, right?), make sure your parents know this information as well.

Your situation here is a classic case of, "Honesty is the best policy." Your parents might not be happy to hear this news, but they will respect you for your honesty in informing them yourself. Remember that you value the excellent relationship you have with your parents, and do everything you can to maintain those good family ties.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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