DR. WALLACE: How should I react when someone is rude? I have a teenage friend who is very self-centered and often makes crude and rude comments that I believe are designed to make her look good and others look bad.

She doesn't do this all the time, because if she did, she would not be my friend. But she does do it occasionally, and I literally wince every time she does it! I feel bad because I don't know what to say when she makes rude comments about other people, so generally I don't say much of anything and eventually we start talking about something else.

I don't understand why she has to make herself look good by telling me the faults and shortcomings of other people that we know. She does this behind their backs most of the time, but sometimes she stuns me by saying something rude to one of our other friends right to their face! For example, she told one of our mutual friends the other day that her shoes were ugly and not as nice as the new ones my rude friend was wearing. Why do you think she does this, and what can I do about it? — Don't Want to Hear It Anymore, via email

DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE: It's hard to know for sure why she makes these comments, as there could be many reasons for it. For example, she may have an older relative who talks this way and she is picking up that behavior, or she may have insecurities about herself that cause her to try to elevate her own self-esteem by talking down to and about other people.

Whatever the case may be, it's very important for you to speak up if you plan to remain in this friendship. If you don't, it will only be a matter of time until you lose respect for her, or one of her rude comments to others or about them will negatively impact you. And eventually your silence will cause you to move on from the friendship, since her values are not matching yours.

So, I suggest that you start by realizing that you have nothing to lose by trying out a few strategies with her. I say nothing to lose since unless the two of you can soon be more on the same page, you'll drift apart anyway.

Let's start by thinking about the last time you were frustrated about something. How did you act and react? Perhaps you weren't rude to anyone, but you might have taken some other actions or spoken some words that were a bit below your normal standards. And what might have caused you to become frustrated in the first place? Perhaps you were tired, stressed out or even on the receiving end of some bad news that upset you in some way.

So realize that neither of you are perfect, but at the same time, strive to make both of you better going forward. How can you do this? Laugh and tell your friend, "You don't really mean that" the next time she makes a rude comment behind someone's back. This is a subtle way of calling her out on her rudeness. Seek to defuse her comments and bring her back to center by giving her this "out." Don't escalate or get into any arguments with her! Let her know that you have personal boundaries that are part of your character and that being disrespectful to others behind their backs or face-to-face goes against your personal ethics. Encourage her to say something nice about others or to simply say nothing at all.

Tell her you value her friendship and make a nice comment about her. Compliment her on something, such as her clothing, her hair or her shoes. Hopefully this will make her feel good about herself. Then compliment others in a similar way in front of your friend in the future. Hopefully she will model your behavior and see that speaking well of others feels much better than grousing about them and putting them down. In the end, there's only so much you can do, but setting a good example may be the best way in your situation to get your point across.

HE SAID A MONTH, IT'S BEEN OVER THREE

DR. WALLACE: I'm nearly 18 and have had the same boyfriend for over a year, but recently he told me we needed to take a break. He said maybe a month or so apart would do us some good. I didn't really have any choice but to go along with his idea. I figured it was either accept the break or break it off entirely, so I reluctantly agreed.

Well, it has now been over three months since we've spent any time together, and I've heard through the grapevine that he's been dating another girl regularly for over six weeks now. I even saw them once at our local mall holding hands and eating ice cream cones on a hot summer afternoon. They didn't see me, because as soon as I spotted them my heart sank and I just wanted to return to my car and get out of there.

Do you think it would do me any good to contact him by text or email and ask him how he is doing these days? He has not contacted me even once over the past three months. Not one text, call or email. If I called him, I could mention that he said we should take a month or so apart, but we are now already working on our fourth month apart from each other. Every day I wake up thinking this will be the day he's going to call me and ask me out on a date again. — Waiting for His Call, via email

WAITING FOR HIS CALL: It appears he's moved on from you, at least for now, and perhaps it's time you consider dating others as well. Calling him now would likely make you feel worse, not better. You already know he's seeing someone else regularly, so start working toward accepting that his silence is telling you everything you need to know. This does not mean the two of you could never get back together someday in the future, but since the chances now look slim, your best bet would be to move on with your social life right now.

If you do, he may eventually get word that you are dating others too, and if he has any feelings left for you at all, that might be one way to spur them on. However, having said that, I still feel the odds are low he will do so, therefore you'd be better served looking forward rather than looking backward.

I know this is easier said than done but speak with some of your close friends about making an introduction or two for you to begin dating casually again. Once you do, you'll quite likely soon feel better about your future.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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