DR. WALLACE: I'm unhappy with the advice you gave a boy reader about defending himself from a bully. I was upset that you suggested he defend himself. I am a prevention coordinator, and I work with these issues regularly.

There are many other solutions that this boy could use to resolve the problem rather than stoop to the same level of his bully. The United States is already one of the most violent countries on Earth, so I always advocate for more peaceful solutions.

Other options include walking away or having friends stick up for him in front of the bully. Ignoring a bully who persists teasing and making fun of others works in some cases. Children don't need to physically fight back. It can be frightening and intimidating to confront a bully. I don't believe in violence under any circumstance. — Peaceful Solutions Are Best, via email

PEACEFUL SOLUTIONS ARE BEST: My first teaching position was at Hiawatha High School in Kirkland, Illinois, and I have been involved with teens ever since. I, too, deplore violence in any form.

In this particular instance, this boy had been a victim of daily violence at the hand of a bully for quite some time. He wrote that he had bruises on his arms and shoulders where the bully punched him. He'd spoken with his grandmother about the situation and her advice was to "turn the other cheek." The boy's mother was contacted, and she said he deserved what he was getting because he swore at the bully. The boy denied this, and the last sentence of his letter was, "Do you think the time has come for me to defend myself?"

Indeed, I thought the time had come. One punch back did the job. Since the boys went to two different schools, a school counselor would have been limited in his or her degree of assistance. The boy's mother was contacted, and she was worse than useless. The best solution in this rare instance, therefore, was plain old self-defense.

I do agree that fighting back is not always the best way to stop bullying and that several alternative methods are often more efficient. However, his actions were going to finally prevent the ongoing violence.

MOVE ON AND LEARN YOUR LESSON

DR. WALLACE: I'm a 17-year-old guy who really needs your help. My best buddy is now dating my ex-girlfriend!

It's not that he snuck around behind my back and conspired to take her away from me or any other unsavory thing like that. She and I broke up because I told her that I needed some space.

I really didn't think I loved her, so it seemed to make sense for us to start dating other people. Well, as soon as I heard she was going out with my good friend, I came to realize I really loved her after all! To make things worse, she has a twin sister and I've heard through our school's grapevine that my friend's brother is now dating the twin sister. This means two brothers are dating two sisters! My friend's brother is a year older, so he has a car, and they apparently double date a lot, with the older bro as the "wheel man" who provides all the transportation to and from.

Now I feel stuck and helpless. I'd like to ask her out again and apologize for being so shortsighted. Any ideas on how to best do this? — Stuck and Helpless, via email

STUCK AND HELPLESS: My advice is to live and learn. Your letter is actually quite common. This topic affects both teen guys and girls regularly. Many times, I receive letters from people who claim to have made a mistake in leaving, dumping, passing on or taking a break from a love interest. At the time, it appears to be a good idea, but later, regret sinks in.

Consider this a learning experience and know that you're not alone. Your letter is the first, however, that has outlined two brothers dating twin sisters, so I'm here to tell you that you'll likely have to live with your regrets for a while, if not longer.

The good news is you still have a good friend in this guy and you're now free to date other girls. Start to socialize and move ahead with your life. If and when your old flame comes back on the market, you can engage her in a heartfelt conversation and apologize. That might even rekindle any future dating activity anyhow, so be aware of that. In the meantime, your self-inflicted wound will gradually heal. So hang in there and keep busy. And now that you've learned a hard lesson, I trust you'll be much more aware of your inner romantic feelings for other young ladies going forward.

Go out and have fun with other girls and guys, and date around. If your ex-girlfriend really loves you, she will return. Only time will tell. Don't encourage her to stop dating your best friend. If she does return to you, it will be her will, not your trying to encourage her to do so.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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