DR. WALLACE: I'm a 14-year-old boy. My parents are divorced and my mom has just recently remarried. She married a guy who has two children, but they live with their mom.
Before my mom married this guy, if I did anything wrong, I lost certain privileges or was grounded for a weekend. I could live with that, but this plan ended when my stepfather took over. Now he is in charge of discipline and he uses a wooden paddle (the same kind he uses with his children). He gives one swat for something small and 3 swats for major misbehavior, and they are hard swats.
My stepfather seemed nice at first, but now I'm starting to resent him. I told my mom how I hate getting swats, but she didn't do anything about it. I know my mom reads your column and agrees with your advice, so I thought you might be able to tell her that losing privileges or doing additional chores would be better. Can you help me? — Nameless, Newark, N.J.
NAMELESS: I believe that corporal punishment is not only cruel, but ineffective. Disciplining children through pain and fear may seem to solve problems in the short term, but the practice always generates far more problems in the long term. Your stepfather is in the process of insuring your lifelong hatred of him.
Your mother should insist that her new husband retire the paddle for good. The discipline you are used to is effective and it is working well. The fact that he used another method with his own children is irrelevant. He needs to now earn your respect, not gain your blind obedience through fear.
I have had several parents write to me and try to change my mind about corporal punishment, but it will not happen. I wouldn't tell anyone to hit an animal, much less a child. The line between corporal punishment and child abuse is perilously thin.
I'm well aware that some parents who follow the "Spare the rod and spoil the child" philosophy, and use physical means to enforce discipline will disagree with my view on corporal punishment. I don't disagree with the "Spare the rod" philosophy; it's just that I interpret the "rod" to mean proper guidance given with love. The shepherd uses his rod to guide his flock of sheep, not to inflict pain.
IF THEY BREAK UP, THEN GO FOR IT
DR. WALLACE: I'm a 15-year-old girl and my friends all know that if I'm interested in a guy, I make an effort to get to know him and go after him. Well, now I'm interested in a nice guy, but I just found out that he is dating a girl that I totally detest!
My problem is that this guy knows me, but he doesn't know that I have a crush on him. Should I try to get to know him better and somehow get him to break up with this girl who is stuck-up and has a somewhat hateful personality? As they say, "All's fair in love and war."
Or should I just wait a bit and hope they break up soon (which is what I'm thinking will happen eventually)? - Aggressive, Orlando, Fla.
AGGRESSIVE: The "all's fair" rule in the game of love is strictly for fools. Aggressive, hurtful tactics are bound to come back to haunt you.
My advice is to wait and if they breakup, smile and continue to be the kind, sweet girl that you are and he will notice you.
But if you take an active role in undermining their relationship, you pretty much guarantee that someone else will do the same thing to you sooner or later.
There's also a rule that overrides "all's fair in love and in war." Smart teens know it: "What goes around, comes around."
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
View Comments