Dear Family Coach: I have been the classroom mom for my two children several times. This year they both asked me to be the room parent. I wanted to take a year off, but now I'm considering saying yes to both rooms. How can I say no to one or both children without disappointing them? — Room Mom

Dear Room Mom: You probably can't say no to one of your kids without disappointing them, so don't try that. Instead, take a year off as you planned. Get some rest. Enjoy a hobby. Maybe do a little work. But whatever you do, don't feel guilty. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you probably say yes to a lot of requests regarding your kids. Help out at the Halloween bake sale? Sure. Organize a school supply drive for the whole school? OK.

Parenting has become a competitive sport, especially when it comes to school. It's all about who can donate the largest amount or spend the most number of hours volunteering. There is an unwritten code that says if you aren't involved in the classroom, you are less of a parent. If parents truly cared about the school (as well as the children's education) they would spend time there. Well, that's nonsense. Volunteering to work in the school is admirable. And, goodness knows, the schools need the extra help. But parents should not feel obligated to do more and more and more.

Take a step back. Sure, the kids may be a little disappointed. But I assure you they will get over it. You are not abandoning anyone. Instead of being the class parent, offer occasional assistance to whoever takes the job. If the experience breaks your heart, well, there's always next year.

Dear Family Coach: Our 13-year-old daughter's friend isn't all that concerned about her grades. She does her homework in front of the television and is quite content with a C. How much effort should we put into helping our daughter make friends who share compatible work habits and educational values? — College-Focused Parents

Dear Parents: You didn't mention anything about your daughter's work habits and grades. I am going to assume that she is studious and does well in school. And if that's true, you probably don't have anything to worry about.

Just because your child's friend is less serious about school doesn't mean she should ditch her. Your family clearly values education. Those values have likely been conveyed over many years by talking about college, careers, grades, assessments and homework. You have probably taught your daughter excellent study habits. So the chances of this girl bringing her down seem slim.

It is impossible for you to choose who your daughter congregates with at school, birthday parties or camp. Nor should you choose. If everyone were exactly like your daughter, she would be sheltered and less ready for college and the real world. Instead, focus your energy on teaching her to be kind and accepting. Teach her to be self-motivated and to think for herself. Above all, allow her to make choices and learn to live with the consequences. Don't micromanage her social life. Just be there to process it when she needs you.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at questions@thefamilycoach.com. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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