Dear Family Coach: My ex-husband called me in a rage because he caught our 15-year-old daughter giving oral sex to her 17-year-old boyfriend in her room. She claims it has happened a few times before and admitted to having sex with him a few weeks earlier when his parents were away. So, we decided to punish her by canceling her Sweet 16 party and most of her summer activities. We essentially canceled her life. I'm concerned that we're overdoing it. Is there a right way to handle this? — Shocked Mom

Dear Shocked: You shouldn't be shocked. She has a boyfriend. He is 17. They are spending alone time together. When teens, especially ones with significant others, spend time away from grown-ups, they often explore sexual things. This isn't shocking. They are both just coming out of puberty. Their sex organs and hormones have developed, as has sexual tension. Acting out on their desires should be expected.

Canceling your daughter's life isn't going to stop her from being sexually active. It's just going to make her go underground with it. And without a social life you can bet her singular focus will be spending time with her boyfriend. Rather than point fingers at your daughter, I think you should look within first. Why was she allowed to be in her room with her boyfriend? What did you think she was doing in there? Why was she hanging out at her boyfriend's house when his parents weren't home? She may have had sex anyway, but parental supervision certainly lowers the chances.

To handle the situation, you need to make a few stops. Your first stop is the gynecologist to discuss birth-control options. Your second stop is the bookstore to buy a book on sex and health. Your third stop is a family counselor who can help you sort through this situation, including your ex's anger. Rather than cancel her life, just observe more. Make rules for where she and her boyfriend are allowed to be in your house and when she is permitted to visit his house. Have a watchful eye when she visits friends, too, because she may not be where she claims to be. You can't punish sexual acts out of a teen. But you can regulate her time more carefully and provide safety measures so she doesn't become pregnant prematurely or obtain a sexually transmitted disease.

Dear Family Coach: We don't let our kids drink soda except for a rare occasion like a sporting event or birthday party. Should we stick to our guns and ban it entirely, or is it OK to allow this treat occasionally? — Decadent Dad

Dear Decadent: There is nothing wrong with an indulgence here and there. By definition, a treat is something special, an out-of-the-ordinary pleasure. The problem these days is that kids are often given treats almost every day and for many occasions: a birthday party, grandparents' anniversary party, the last baseball game of the season, the first hockey tournament of the season, Halloween leftovers, the night before sleep-away camp, a perfect report card, etc. It seems like treats are the norm.

There is nothing inherently wrong with a little soda every once in a while. But just make sure that treat doesn't become a right. Decide what occasions are special occasions — they should be as often as you'd like. After you decide when soda is allowed, stick to it.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at questions@thefamilycoach.com. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.