Is "Die Hard" a Christmas movie? Sure. OK. Yeah. It's set at Christmas. There's a dead guy in an elevator with a Santa hat. It's me. I'm that guy.

Is a hot dog a sandwich? I guess. It's meat between bread, so, yeah, whatever. Sometimes in the early hours of the morning I'll put my whole head inside my blanket and pretend I am a tiny troll living in a log where no one can find me. It's peaceful there, and if you gently inhale your own carbon dioxide long enough, you'll fall back asleep.

Pie or cake? I'll go with pie because of the crust. Did you know that CNN has a video on file that the network intends to play if and when the world ends? It's called the Turner Doomsday Video, after Ted Turner, of course, and it features a military band in the 1980s playing "Nearer My God To Thee." So. FYI. As the world implodes, that's what we'll be hearing provided the satellites haven't been destroyed.

How do you pronounce "gif"? This is an important debate. I think it sounds like, "If you stare at a single spot long enough, blackness starts to creep in around the edges of your sightline. This is because you've stopped stimulating the tiny nerve cells that require constant motion to promote vision. It's kind of pleasant, the blackness." Also: Hard G.

Cats or dogs? Dogs. Cats are dirtier than dogs, which no one talks about until you get a cat and their toilet is in your house. Furthermore, I don't think fairy tale witches are evil, not at all. I think they are simply misunderstood. They want to live unbothered in their little cottages with their little open fires and their little spell recipes and their little leatherbound books with moving eyeballs, and it's not their fault if nosy children get too close, because private property is private property.

Pineapple on pizza? Yeah, it's pretty good. Sweet and salty. Every now and then, I remember how The New York Times published an article about a newly discovered supermassive black hole described as a "trapdoor in space-time through which the equivalent of four million suns have been dispatched to eternity, leaving behind only their gravity and violently bent space-time."

Cereal or milk first? Cereal first. What are you, an animal? No, literally. You are an animal. A mammal, class Mammalia. You share characteristics with the larger group, such as the malleus, incus and stapes in the middle ear, as well as the dentary bone of the jaw. No one is that interesting or different when it comes down to it. We're just bipedal blobs of protoplasm, helpful to keep in mind when Bob from accounting never covers his Chef Boyardee mini ravioli in the microwave.

Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi? Please, go away.

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

Photo credit: Ryan Klaus at Unsplash