Greetings from the armpit of the year. August continues to be the bleakest month on the Gregorian calendar, and I stand by this. There's nothing to get excited about in August, unless you are a sick individual who finds a zest for life in primary elections.

I apologize for slandering those born in August, including my own brother, but do you know what you put your parents through? You made someone exist in the world while nine months pregnant in August, and for that, you must pay eternally. Yes, this was entirely within your control, and I will not be taking questions.

There is one positive thing about this month, and that's the ability to look forward to other months. July is just too early to start planning for fall — I don't make the rules, except when I do — but August is not. August is THE prime month to buy plastic skulls while also restocking the hurricane kit because you drank all the water because it is so hot. September? Nah, I don't know her, either.

Things that are acceptable in August:

Ordering Halloween-themed shirts. My husband asked why I was scrolling through a series of whimsical T-shirts featuring the Scream killer Ghostface, and I calmly said I was looking for Halloween shirts. He asked why, and I gave him a withering glare. For one, these funny boutique T-shirt companies take approximately 24 weeks to process and ship, even though they say five business days. It is not too early. And furthermore, let me follow my bliss.

Same rules apply to purchasing, crafting and displaying Halloween decorations. If your neighbors don't appreciate a murderous Michael Myers window cling, it's time to get new neighbors. You know? And if they report your 12-foot Home Depot skelly to the homeowners association, friends, leave the development behind and start a new utopian commune where people have senses of humor and 12-foot skeletons pose rigidly beneath a glad harvest moon.

Maybe you're just not into Halloween. I do not understand, but we can still get along. August is a perfect time to pull out clothing and decor in the following colors: Rust, Aubergine, Mustard Seed, Dirty Gin Martini, Cocoa Dust, Warm Cinnamon Wishes, Deep Forest Rescue Mission, Dusky Bad Date, The Fourth Type of Beige But Not The Fifth, and Ochre. Did I have "ochre" spelled "euchre" for a significant amount of time here before remembering the latter is a card game popular in Michigan and NOT a festive fall hue? Again, I will not be taking questions at this time.

You now have permission to drink anything flavored like a wet, spiced gourd. I saw Shipyard's Pumpkinhead, my personal favorite fall beer, in grocery stores starting on Aug. 5. Maybe it showed up even earlier. I told you: August is October.

Starbucks has not yet revived the reviled and beloved pumpkin spice latte, but internet rumors say it's coming soon. Dunkin' is already selling pumpkin. Why? Because Dunkin' has the power of Ben Affleck, and by association, Jennifer Lopez. Dunkin' can do whatever Dunkin' pleases. With the backing of Jaffleck, Dunkin' can sell pumpkin coffees year-round, though I think by February it would start to taste like nutmeg regret.

We don't want that. This is a season of hope, people. Orange, sweet, scary, stupid hope. Don't forget.

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

Photo credit: webandi at Pixabay