ALL-STAFF MEMO FROM THE OFFICE OF FLORIDA GOV. RON DESANTIS

Subject: One-pager of tips and talking points for the governor's reunification with Florida

Goals

Gov. DeSantis has suspended his presidential campaign after realizing Iowa is cold, but not chill. Floridians waited with perverse curiosity to see if he might get to use the White House bowling alley. Now, you, Tallahassee staff, must help the governor brush up on Florida's history, business and people. This is vital, as he is "geographically" from here but identifies as more of a Midwest guy.

About Us

Florida is a peninsular state bordered by the Atlantic Ocean, Gulf of Mexico, Georgia and Alabama. We are huge; it takes 12 hours to drive from Pensacola to Key West, which most spring breakers don't realize until they are halfway through both Alligator Alley and a second Big Gulp refill.

Indigenous people lived here for many thousands of years. Ponce de Leon made landfall in 1513 and named the region La Florida, which may translate to "Land of Ham Sandwiches" (needs fact-check). St. Augustine is our oldest city, home to the state's best haunted military fort for awkward family photos.

Florida has more than 21 million residents, third in population behind California, a liberal wasteland of crime and street corner feces, and Texas, home of stylish boots. Florida added 365,205 new residents in 2023 — that's a thousand residents per day — second only to Texas. This is GREAT as we definitely have enough INFRASTRUCTURE and AFFORDABLE HOUSING and INSURANCE for everyone. Please, wipe your sweat when addressing the governor.

Highlights

Florida is known for beaches, state parks, trails, the Florida Everglades and tourist attractions including Kennedy Space Center, SeaWorld, Universal, Legoland, Busch Gardens and (redacted).

Florida has produced and inspired famous writers including Zora Neale Hurston, Ernest Hemingway, Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings and Carl Hiaasen, though some of their works may, in an abundance of caution per legislation, be stored in a Hefty bag while being screened for noony-nana words.

Florida is renowned for its year-round pleasant weather, though lately conditions have been rivaling that of elite socialist enclave Seattle. This is due to El Nino and possibly Joe Biden. People here like to live on the waterfront, which is increasingly risky due to escalating hurricanes and a phenomenon that rhymes with "time it strange." Gov. DeSantis has, uh, modified his environmental message depending on his audience and/or schoolyard taunts from Vivek, so please tread with care on Cabinet beach days.

Action Items

Woo. OK. This is supposed to be a one-pager? Right. Let's boil it down. The main thing to review is that residents may be wearing thin on the culture wars stuff; even Bill O'Reilly has had enough book bans. It is now incumbent upon former President Donald Trump to make people hate each other extra-triple-bad to stoke sales of colorful yard flags.

The governor will have to answer to Floridians who might be, well, miffed about the state of the state. Do not let him put an inflatable Bozo behind a shower curtain and disappear; that only worked in "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York."

Most homeowners, if they ever cared at all, moved on from drag queen story hours when their property insurance bills arrived. Floridians are ping-pong balls for insurers, paying some of the highest premiums in the country. Our research shows the tabs have plunged disaster victims and hardworking folks into anxiety, fearful of going under on fixed incomes while executives cherry-pick plans and get richer. Hundreds of thousands of residents, dropped from policies by insolvent companies, have flocked to the state's insurer, which is supposed to be a last resort thing? It remains to be seen how the insurance crisis will impact the housing market. Not that anyone can stomach buying a 1,000-square-foot bungalow for a half-million, anyway. Also, design sources say "Live, Laugh, Love" signs are out for the kitchen.

Please make sure to welcome the governor back to the Sunshine State with a big smile!

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

Photo credit: Denys Kostyuchenko at Unsplash