ERASE THE WEEK BETWEEN CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR'S

FROM: PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE

TO: A BENEVOLENT PERSON(S) WITH POWER

WE, THE UNDERSIGNED, PROPOSE THE FOLLOWING:

Dec. 26 through Jan. 2 is pointless. Really, it is so stupid. It's like putting shoes on a baby. It is past time for this chronological inefficiency to be addressed.

Those who observe Christmas are simply on their last leg come Dec. 26. They have not slept since mid-month. They have wrapped approximately 65 boxes shaped like irregular nonagons. They have listened to "All I Want for Christmas Is You" six times a day. Their children have looked into their soul and said, "Why are you tired?"

Indeed, many do not celebrate. But that does not exempt them from stressors of the season, or Mariah Carey. The streets overflow with impish drivers and shoppers. Workplaces runneth dry with vacations, operating on skeleton crews. The few reporting are forced to hold up the whole place while the lucky ones eat margarita salt and Ho Hos.

Furthermore, it's time to acknowledge that everyone is faking it this week. Nothing of substance gets done. Do not hide! We see you watching SportsCenter on your phone!

This is no longer sustainable. We need to close.

We do not propose the dates disappear from the calendar entirely, as this would only result in a premature entry into responsibility and consumption of non-starchy vegetables. The point is no one is ready to go back to anything.

We, the undersigned, suggest all activities related to society and its ongoing operations cease from Dec. 26 to Jan. 2, at the earliest. We propose this period become a national dead zone, a foggy place of ill definition, a "Purge" without the crime.

Businesses, except for essential services, will close. It will be like early pandemic quarantine, but with just the slumber party vibe and none of the staggering dread. We will not get dressed. The hours will slink together into a heavy-breathing blob. Outdoor activities such as walking in a park or sitting on a shoreline will be permitted, but not promoted.

Anyone forced to work will be paid triple-overtime-and-a-half. They will be greeted at the punch clock with a daily gift bag, like at the Academy Awards. Congratulations on your 24-karat vape pen and three-night stay at Sandals Antigua! As further consolation, they will be excused from participating in civilization the first week of January, which is only fair.

We, the undersigned, believe this tweak to the association of humankind will result in a happier and more rational populace, reducing the potential for January antics. Now, please excuse us. We have a three-hour lunch to get to.

AGREED UPON BY:

YEAH, ALL OF US.

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

Photo credit: JillWellington at Pixabay