Fourth of July. Memorial Day. Veterans Day.

These are the three holidays when every bad, written-out columnist and editorial writer raves against the hot dog.

"The Fourth of July isn't just a day for hot dogs and hamburgers," says Daily Snob columnist Edgar Smarley. "Today should be a day for solemn reflection upon the glories of our history."

Yeah. Great. You work two jobs. Your wife works 50 hours a week, your mortgage payment is half your income and now you're a traitor if you grill a wiener in your yard instead of sitting in the living room with the shades drawn, reading the Constitution to your kids in a low, droning voice.

What is it about the backyard barbecue that gets people all up in a tussle? The leftists of my 1960s youth often railed against their parents for holding modest backyard cookouts while the lettuce pickers were trying to organize a union.

The hatred of the barbecue is nonpartisan. For every rightie and leftie, it's a symbol of fat Americans who refuse to sit quietly and be lectured at by doctrine-stuffed dopes who'd die if they had a cold beer and a hot dog.

Yeah. You work the nightshift stocking shelves at a super market and, when you get a three-day weekend, you're supposed to spend it meditating on The Federalist Papers.

Did it ever occur to these bunting-draped clowns that maybe you're never off work during the day when your wife is off work during the day and the kids are home from school?

Apparently, these people think you can't do two things at once. You can't, for instance, explain to your kids why they should love their country and eat a hot dog at the same time. You're too stupid.

Worst of all, none of these writers ever suggests that the rich guy stay off his yacht on the Fourth of July or forego the eating of caviar.

Hell no! It's more fun (and safer) to demonize that package of ear-and-snout dogs you're gonna grill up in the unshaded, grass-browned yard of your 1974 vintage split level.

And you don't even go to the parade.

You know why. Because parades suck, that's why. A parade is a form of entertainment invented for fascist dictators and rubes who didn't even have radio. Hitler threw one hell of a parade.

Anybody ever stop to think that after she spends 60 hours a week on her feet running a cash register at the dollar store, maybe your wife doesn't want to spend six hours standing on a hot sidewalk waiting for the high school band to play the all-brass version of "Me and Bobby McGee?"

Tell your kids something about America, but keep it short. It's not a school day. Get a couple packages of hot dogs. Get some burgers. Buy a 12-pack of (horrors) domestic beer. Grill. Grill on the Fourth of July and on Memorial Day and on Veterans Day.

Invite your cousin over. The one who lost a leg in Iraq and can't find a job.

He doesn't like parades, either.

To find out more about Marc Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's book of Pulitzer Prize-nominated columns, "Between Wealth and Welfare: A Liberal Curmudgeon in America," is available for Nook and Kindle.