Dear Mall Santa,

I know you're not the real Santa Claus, but seeing as you are one of his many helpers, I'm hoping you can deliver a message to him. I could write the real Santa a letter, but to tell you the truth — and this is a little embarrassing — I don't exactly know his address. Of course, I could direct the letter to the North Pole, but surely he can't be the only person with an address up north. Am I to believe that the elves never get UPS deliveries from their elf-mommies? Surely, Amazon Prime ships there. Lots of elves must equal lots of elf mailboxes. Which would explain why Santa struck out about 50 percent of the time when it came to getting me the presents I asked for as a kid. He probably didn't get half the letters. You would think that Santa would have email by now. Or Facebook. Twitter. Something.

Anyway, if you could deliver my message, I'd appreciate it. He needs to know that the malls are giving him a bad name. Not you personally, of course. I thought you were a very lovely Mall Santa. I mean, yeah, it's kinda weird that your beard resembles that of Saruman from "The Lord of the Rings." Did you have to look like the evil guy? You could have gone for looking like Gandalf and kept the impressive beard length. Kudos to you on the real facial hair, by the way.

No, it's not you or your beard at fault for tainting the Christmas spirit and the good name of old St. Nick but rather the folks behind your mall setup. Perhaps I'm naive, but I was under the impression that malls brought in faux Kriss Kringles, such as you, for the kids. Moms who would never dare to enter a mall around the holidays, such as I, are willing to brave the crazy crowds and risk getting our limbs broken and black eyes to give their precious little ones the chance to meet Santa — or, as we both know, a Santa helper. Seeing as we're at the mall anyway, we decide to shop, and the mall benefits from our visit. Which is why I understood when you decided to take an hour break even though my kid was the only one in line. My son and I walked around and shopped as we waited for you to return.

We should have followed you. Undoubtedly, it would have been educational. Does Santa use the urinal or the stall? Where does Santa eat at the food court? And does he accept the Panda Express samples?

Three shopping bags later, we were back in line and greeted by the mall's true holiday spirit. Or lack thereof — exemplified by the huge sign saying that parents were not allowed to take any pictures with their own devices and by how the photographers refused to take any photos that weren't posed, despite parents' requests that they capture the candid moment when their child would first see and hug Santa. And of course, there was the refusal to take more than four digital shots per kid despite the very short line.

And I understand, Mall Santa, that none of this was your fault. You were great in how you asked my son what he wants for Christmas and how — when he simply answered "presents" — you continued to probe despite the obvious eye rolls of the photographers.

But can we just address the candy cane issue for a moment? You know what I'm talking about.

When none of my son's photos turned out well, I opted not to buy a package, the cheapest of which was $23. Behind me, my son gave you a hug and then looked into the red velvet bag that you kept by your feet. He had seen you pulling out candy canes for all the other children before him in line. He eyed the bag, eagerly. You made eye contact with the mall photographers. After hearing that I would not buy a package, they shook their heads at you. And you, sir, patted my son on the head and asked him to please leave — without a candy cane.

So, Mall Santa, do me a solid and tell the real Santa what is going on in the malls of America. I think a lot more folks belong on his naughty list.

Like Katiedid Langrock on Facebook, at http://www.facebook.com/katiedidhumor. To find out more about Katiedid Langrock and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Rory