Packing for a cross-country plane ride with a toddler is how I imagine a crown-seeking contestant packs before a beauty pageant. The exact number of outfits to be worn may be known, but the luggage suggests otherwise. That's because packing for a toddler (or beauty contestant) isn't about what will happen; it's about what may happen. Vaseline to remedy diaper rash or brighten dull teeth. Tape for ripped pages of a favorite book or to prevent wardrobe malfunctions. A sippy cup to keep from spilling or to keep teeth from staining. Bright, shiny objects to keep them preoccupied. Add an extra outfit to the carry-on in case they throw up on themselves. Actually, make that two. Earplugs to hand out to fellow passengers, in case there is wailing from popped ears or popped dreams. And drugs. Benadryl for the baby, everything else for the beauty queen.

I don't know what the above list indicates more, the fact that I am a mom or the fact that I once was part of the pageant circuit.

My favorite color is green because there is nothing more beautiful than Mother Earth's signature color — and because green is the color of my eyes, reflecting the life Mother Earth has shown me back unto her.

When I was 10 years old, that little bout of boloney got me a tiara and a glittery sash, which read, "Little Miss Maryland." My first and last title before quitting the world of bright blue eye shadow, hot-pink lips and white-hot lies.

Now I am in the process of packing for both myself and my toddler for a different type of pageant: a wedding. My cousin is getting married and will be incorporating his Indian heritage into the ceremony. Following tradition, my cousin has selected a sarbala to participate in the procession: my son.

Back in the day, Indian wedding processions often carried with them many riches and treasures. Robbers were known to murder every member of the wedding party and steal their loot. Historically, the sarbala was selected to act as protector of the groom from the wedding band bandits. If the sarbala survived an attack when the groom did not, he was expected to take the groom's place and marry the bride-to-be.

As mother-of-the-sarbala, I have a few issues with this. Presumably, because we live in modern times, I do not have to worry about the origins of the honor bestowed upon my son. But seeing as I don't have this in writing and notarized, I can't help but consider the position my 2-year-old is in.

First, let's chat about these wedding pirates. I understand they are an unlikely visitor nowadays, but before I send my 2-year-old out as a defender of the procession, I want charts and figures on the odds of this ending like the "Kill Bill" wedding. Where would I look to for that? Google Analytics? And now that we are on the topic of protection, what exactly are the expectations of my toddler? I hate to embarrass him, but his sword skills are subpar at best. I bought him a water gun, though he doesn't understand how to fire it. His arm is decent, so I could consider filling his pockets with ninja stars or grenades, but — call me crazy — that seems like a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of, I'd like it in writing that by donning the turban, my son is not secondarily betrothed if my cousin happens to get murdered by wedding bandits. Though I'm sure she is a lovely person, I have never met the bride-to-be. What if she and my son aren't a good match? Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but the 30-year age difference has me a tad concerned. What if her love of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and his love for their relaunch creates a chasm so deep no forced marriage through ancient Hindu custom can bridge it?

And not to make this all about me, but I'm not ready for a daughter-in-law. Where would she and my son live? Do they move in to my house, or do I move in to theirs? Does the new bride take over potty training responsibilities? There are just a lot of things to think about before my son maybe, possibly gets married. I don't even have a song selected for the mother-son dance.

Fingers crossed my cousin doesn't get murdered. For his sake, too. Either way, I'm sure the wedding will be beautiful.

Like Katiedid Langrock on Facebook, at http://www.facebook.com/katiedidhumor. Check out her column at http://didionsbible.com. To find out more about Katiedid Langrock and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.