I heard on the radio this morning that 83 percent of valentines purchased in the United States are bought by women.

No, I thought. This can't be so. I, for one, have always felt very taken care of on Valentine's Day, so it was hard to believe that not many women get showered with love by the men in their lives on this most Hallmark of holidays. I mean, there were the flowers from my husband that one year and the... Oh, wait.

Is that it? I've only received one Valentine's Day gift from a man?! (Not including gifts from my dad when I was 8 years old or cards from boys in my elementary school class when you had to hand them out to everyone, naturally.) I racked my brain. Clearly, there must have been presents. Valentine's Day was never a somber day in my world, and you would think that in the absence of physical valentines, it would have been. Hmm...

Ooh! There was that time in junior high when I was given the huge Elmo that was stuffed in my locker by a secret admirer!

Wait. Nope. I had written that letter to myself. The Elmo was a gift from my parents. Hmm, there has to be something else...

Of course! I was sent that Candygram from my ex-boyfriend Mathew.

Wait a minute. Nope, nope, nope. I had made him up, and once again, I had sent that gift to myself. I also had spelled the name of my made-up boyfriend incorrectly. Apparently, that name almost always has two t's. That's how everyone in school discovered I had made him up. That and, ya know, he didn't actually go to our school. I tell ya, it takes a real criminal mastermind to concoct a fake boyfriend who goes to a different school from her own.

The more I thought about it the more I realized that nearly all my examples of valentines received from men over the years were bogus. There is one example to the contrary that really stands out. One year, when my husband and I had first started dating, he bought me the skimpiest string bikini that has ever existed on the face of the planet. It was just a string of beads. When I opened the gift, I laughed. And then I said, "Wait. Seriously?"

Edible underwear would have been less provocative and covered more of my body than that bikini did.

Despite the dramatic lack of men spending money on me on Feb. 14, my trip down Valentine's Day memory lane was very enjoyable. And it was enjoyable because of the time spent with my girls. My girlfriends and I always have taken care of one another. In high school, we sent one another Flowergrams. In college, we bought one another vodka-grams. We always have taken one another out on dates or enjoyed evenings in with Chinese food, candy and booze. And now that I have kids, my girlfriends buy heart-shaped doughnuts and coffee for me and conversational hearts for my little ones. My Valentine's Days are always full, and in fact, the best holidays I've had didn't include a man at all.

Well, that's not entirely true. When I was 16, my friends gave me the greatest Valentine's Day gift ever: a man. His name was Seth. He had jet-black hair, dark eyes and curly chest hair. He always wore the same black slacks and bow tie. Shirts were too pedestrian for Seth. Oh, and he was inflatable. Seth the miniature blowup doll was 24 inches of fun that was shared by my whole group of girlfriends.

Similar to The Elf on the Shelf, Seth was often found in our lockers and posed in silly positions, handing us bowls of candy. He was a staple on our Valentine's Day. Always the perfect gentleman and full of flowers and presents. Sure, occasionally Seth would yawn and use the moment to put his blowup arm around one of our shoulders, but he was always respectful. Seth would be deflated by March, but for a solid decade, he was blown up again every February. The perfect V Day date.

Looking back, it makes perfect sense to me that 83 percent of valentines are bought by women. And thank goodness they are.

Perhaps when Madeleine Albright said there is a special place in hell for women who don't support other women, she was referring to Valentine's Day.

Like Katiedid Langrock on Facebook, at http://www.facebook.com/katiedidhumor. To find out more about Katiedid Langrock and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Heather Harvey