Let's Call the Whole America Thing Off, by Joseph Farah

You know the song — originally done by Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald.

"You say tomato, and I say tomahto..."

It's about a couple who don't quite seem to be on the same page, but maybe they can't live without each other.

But differences greater than how to pronounce tomato are pulling apart America today. It got me to thinking. Maybe it was time to rewrite the lyrics to this old classic in communication dysfunctionality.

So here's my attempt at lyrical revisionism to capture the state of our nation. Make sure you read it with the song playing on your karaoke machine.

Here is "Let's Call the Whole America Thing Off":

Things have come to a not-so-pretty pass.

Our ability to communicate has just gone flat,

For you say this and the other

While I go for this and that.

Goodness knows what the end will be.

Oh, I don't know where you're at.

It looks as if we will just never be able to chat.

Something must be done, and that's a fact.

You call me a hater, and I call you a traitor.

I say debate her, and you say later.

Hater, traitor, debate her, later,

Let's call the whole thing off.

You say uniting, but you mean dividing.

I want righting, but you keep inciting.

Uniting, dividing, righting, inciting,

Let's call the whole thing off.

But oh, if we call the whole thing off,

Then we must secede.

And oh, if we ever part, then our nation might not succeed.

So if you like the Obamas like I hate Hamas,

How about we just take off for the Bahamas?

For we know we need each other, so we

Better call the whole thing off.

Let's call the whole thing off.

You call me a denier while seeing climate disaster.

To you, man's a destroyer. To me, you're a liar playing with fire.

Denier, disaster, destroyer, liar playin' with fire,

Let's call the whole thing off.

You push equality, while I live in reality.

You like Hillary, while I prefer the pillory.

Equality, reality, Hillary, pillory,

Let's call the whole thing off.

Everywhere, you see racism, fascism, discrimination.

I see unchecked immigration, terrorism and a disappearing nation.

Racism, immigration, discrimination, disappearing nation,

Let's call the whole thing off.

But oh, if we call the whole thing off, then we must part.

And oh, if we ever part, that might break your bleeding heart.

So if you'll let the unborn baby have a voice, I'll agree with choice.

When you stop reading W.E.B. Du Bois, I'll just rejoice.

For Americans need each other, so we

Better call the calling off off.

Let's call the whole thing off.

But you demand justice, or else there'll be a ruckus.

Dreams without substance will bring bupkis.

Justice, ruckus, your dreams will bring bupkis,

Let's call the whole thing off.

You like Havana and HuffPost's Arianna.

I prefer Atlanta, and Fidel ain't no Santa.

Havana, Arianna, Atlanta, Fidel ain't no Santa,

Go your way; I'll go mine.

You say America's unfair and imply we just don't care.

But I swear it's time to clear the air.

If you and I don't learn to get along,

The land of the free and the home of brave won't have a prayer.

So forget the rotten tomatoes and the spoiled potatoes.

Wouldn't it be a sweet thing if we could all get along like Rodney King?

But irreconcilable differences sometimes cause a split.

Just remember what happened when the union some states did quit.

For we know we need each other, so we

Better call the calling off off.

Let's call the whole thing off.

To find out more about Joseph Farah and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.