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Hello, studio audience, and welcome to another edition of "Parenting by the Decades," the game show where we teleport parents from different decades to 2020 to untangle your knottiest parenting challenges!
Let's meet the parents.
First, there's Dorothy, from 1952. Dorothy is 25 and has six children but doesn't know how to drive because her husband, Bob, thinks women get confused when they have to concentrate on too many things at once.
Then we have Deb, from 1974. Deb, who's 28 years old, is a single mom to three. She loves Tab, making macrame plant hangers and playing the album "Sundown" by Gordon Lightfoot.
We also have Brian, from 1997. Brian, who's 34, has two kids with his wife, Lisa. In his free time, Brian makes mixtapes of heavy metal music and works in the garage on his Kawasaki motorcycle.
Finally, there's Brynne, 39, a social media influencer who had her first child two years ago in an unassisted home water birth. She's also co-owner of a raw goat milk co-op.
Our first question is from Kevin, who asks, "How can we get our 5-month-old to sleep through the night?"
Dorothy: Maybe he's teething. Try giving him a little brandy before bed. Not much — just a children's highball glassful.
Deb: Put him in his bassinet, go to the living room and turn up the volume on "Hawaii Five-O" as loud as it will go. Then, pour yourself a glass (or four) of Chianti.
Brian: Hold on. I'm just rewinding "Bottle Rocket" so I can return it to Blockbuster.
Brynne: Have you tried swaddling him to your bare chest and shushing into his ear really loudly for 12 hours straight? I've also heard wonderful things about this $1,500 crib.
Next up is Ramona, who asks, "My 4-year-old daughter only eats pasta and candy. What should I do?"
Dorothy: Children need to meet their butter quota for the week to keep their bones strong. I also recommend canned spinach, a quart of mashed potatoes for starch and a slab of any potted meat. Stewed prunes make a great dessert.
Deb: I don't know; whatever's in the fridge when they come home from school. Cocoa Pebbles, sour cream and onion potato chips — something like that. My son loves to eat lemonade mix from the package. That has vitamin C in it, right?
Brian: Remember those tiny pot pies that you bake in the oven? Man, those were the best.
Brynne: I hate to judge, but if she's 4 and already eating like that, she needs to get started on a diet — I mean, making healthier food choices — immediately. There are some awesome gluten-free, kale-based keto mac and cheese recipes on my TikTok page.
Our final question is from McKenzie: "Any tips for keeping kids entertained during the COVID quarantine?"
Dorothy: I don't know what a COVID is, but children should leave the house at sunrise and play outside with their jackknives and slingshots until it's dark, unless the temperature hits -20 degrees or colder, in which case they should put on a coat.
Deb: I'm not sure I understand the question. Is there something wrong with your TV?
Brian: I'm still really upset that White Lion broke up.
Brynne: Kids shouldn't be staying home from school. Teachers need to do their jobs. I'm still doing my job posting selfies to Instagram. Plus, it's very emotionally triggering for kids to experience disappointment.
And that's all the time we have this week. In closing, as "Parenting by the Decades" always says: When in doubt, go with the '70s.
To learn more about Georgia Garvey, visit GeorgiaGarvey.com.
Photo credit: Skitterphoto at Pixabay
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