Q: I'm unhappy in my marriage of nearly 37 years. I've finally decided to divorce my wife and am in the process of dealing with a lawyer. Nonetheless, I continue to procrastinate telling my wife about my plans.

Our grown children are not even aware of my decision. How and when would be my best option to notify them?

A: After a long marriage such as yours, I suspect she is well aware of your plan to leave her and may know that you are in the process of doing so. People change over the years, and feelings change, too.

At this point in time, you will need to set a deadline for yourself. Don't wait any longer. You taken the first steps, as you'll need legal counsel to steer you through the process. How will you split your assets? Will your attitudes be amicable, or is a fight on the horizon? How will your family react? If you have a pet, who will become the owner?

Divorce often becomes a down and dirty battle, but the hope is for both of you to go through the process with a positive attitude. Why waste the rest of your life being angry? It benefits nobody. You have shared many years together, even if you've grown apart.

Your children and possibly grandchildren will become involved in the divorce proceedings and in the future family relationships. Spare the rest of your family from your bitter feelings and assure them that you want to maintain your relationship with them. — Doug

FIXING ERODED TRUST

Q: My husband had an affair in the past and it nearly ended our marriage. With the help of a marriage counselor, we were able to reconcile and stay together.

However, his past dishonesty has been weighing on me and I'm finding myself suspicious of his behavior. I don't want to be deceived again.

What do you think I should do?

A: Trust is an essential issue in every relationship. Because your trust has been violated in the past, it's natural that you find it difficult to take your husband's word at face value.

If your husband is repeating his mistakes and lying about it, he isn't willing to put the necessary effort into your relationship. Resolution is highly unlikely. It's important to gather all the facts (within reason) to see if your suspicion is correct, as this will help inform your decision.

However, regardless of whether or not you're correct, there's a fundamental rift in your relationship. You may have forgiven him, but you don't fully trust him. This lack of trust will eventually destroy your marriage, so you need to address it.

Ask yourself if you're willing to explore this trust issue. A marriage counselor helped you reconcile, and trained help, such as a therapist or religious counselor, could help you expose or fix the fractures in your relationship. However, learning to trust again isn't easy, so ask yourself if your relationship is worth it. — Emma, Doug's granddaughter

Doug Mayberry makes the most of life in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at deardoug@msn.com. Emma, Doug's granddaughter, helps write this column. To find out more about Doug Mayberry and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.