Q: I am my grandmother's only grandson, and I don't know what to do for her birthday. She lives alone in a retirement community and is beginning to show some signs of Alzheimer's.
She gets confused and upset around other people, including my wife and children. No other family members live close, so it will be just me and her.
What is the best birthday I can give her?
A: The best thing you can do is show up and spend time with her. Pick a low-stress activity that you know she enjoys, and spend the day together.
Keep it simple — change in routine is often very disorienting. Design a flexible plan — if she's having an off day, you'll want to be able to readjust. If possible, give her two options to choose from, depending on her energy level. Let her pick!
Your plan can be as simple as having a nice lunch, bringing a piece of cake and going for a walk around the community. She will certainly enjoy showing you off to her friends. — Doug
SAYING SORRY
Q: My wife passed several years ago, and I've been lucky enough to find another woman to love. We've been talking about marriage. I want to marry her, but I have one reservation: We both struggle with apologies.
We never seem to get over our disagreements and instead push them under the rug. It hasn't caused a problem yet, but I'm afraid that it will get worse over time.
Is this a fixable problem?
A: Yes, but it will require emotional work.
It's excellent to address these issues before making a major commitment, as you don't want to start on the wrong foot. If you plan to live together, close quarters will only exacerbate the issue.
Effective communication often makes the difference between successful relationships and those destined for failure. The way we interact drastically affects our feelings, even in an otherwise identical set of circumstances.
First, genuinely try to listen. Both people in an argument want their concerns to be acknowledged and addressed. Listening can be even more important than saying the right things. Don't interrupt.
After you've listened, take a breath. Then voice your own concerns. If you don't state why you're upset, the other person has no way of knowing what's wrong. Being honest about your own feelings will help both of you get over it.
The way that you apologize is also important. Be specific about the reason you're apologizing, and avoid parroting each other's complaints. Paraphrasing what the other person says shows that you are listening to what they're saying, and that you've thought about what you did to upset them.
Avoid saying, "I'm sorry, but ..." When you say this, you are effectively negating your entire apology and displacing the blame. Either drop the "but" or reformulate your apology.
For instance, you may want to say, "I'm sorry, but I had a terrible day." Instead, you can say, "I had a terrible day and didn't deal with it well. I'm sorry for taking it out on you." One of these situations seems unsolvable, and the other presents a solution.
Follow through on what you say. If you promise to work on something, do it. There are few things more aggravating than having the same argument over and over again.
Finally, let go of the small things. Life is often smoother when we don't take ourselves too seriously. — Emma, Doug's granddaughter
Doug Mayberry makes the most of life in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at deardoug@msn.com. Emma, Doug's granddaughter, helps write this column. To find out more about Doug Mayberry and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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