Q: I have been widowed for a year, and I'm lonely. I've been told that a year is how long it takes for a husband to process his grief, and I want to take positive steps. Last month, I started dating again and have found a caring and attractive lady whose companionship I've been enjoying.

I haven't yet told my family, but I'm much happier, and one son has picked up on my attitude but hasn't asked any questions yet. I am not certain how they'll react to the news, as we've always been close. How can I talk to my children about my new relationship?

A: Your situation is hardly uncommon. Moving on after a significant loss can seem insurmountable, but it's important for you to pursue your happiness. Ultimately, your children should be happy for you, even as they also still miss their mother.

Although you've suffered a great loss, recognize that you aren't the only one to lose your wife. Your children may process their grief differently, and you should bolster each other through hard times. Remember that you care for each other and wish for each other's happiness.

Your children, especially daughters, may feel like your girlfriend is replacing their mother, and it's important to recognize their grief, too. As always, the most important thing is communication. Prioritize your own happiness, but not at the expense of your existing relationships. Tell your family about your new relationship and why it's important to you, but let them voice their opinions.

The biggest issue will likely be integrating your girlfriend into your existing routines, especially around holidays. Relationships always involve compromise, so you need to balance the needs of your children and your girlfriend. Make your children know how important they are without sacrificing your positive momentum.

ETHICAL WILL

Q: Last week I called my girlfriend to invite her to lunch. She told me she couldn't because she was busy working on her ethical will. I myself have a will and a trust, but I didn't know what she was talking about. What is an ethical will?

A: Ethical wills are self-written documents in which individuals express their personal feelings about their experiences, wishes and hopes for the future. They also discuss their love for their families. The ethical will is not binding and can be written and changed at any age.

Most wills are positive and recreate many of the happiest times and events in their lives. They detail the miracle of their children's births; explain why gifts are given or not given; apologize for certain actions they chose; or express their regrets for not having fulfilled desires and hopes. Paragraphs are filled with loving blessings about how fortunate they were to have their spouses and children in their lives.

Writers often find these wills therapeutic when they express their thankfulness for their lives. Many writers choose to send a copy of their wills to other family members. Others simply put the original in a place where it can be found later.

An ethical will can nurture your relationship with your family after you are no longer with them.

Doug Mayberry makes the most of life in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at deardoug@msn.com. Betty is a friend of Doug Mayberry, whom she helps write this column. To find out more about Doug Mayberry and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Barney Moss