Q: After my wonderful husband died two years ago, I've been extremely lonely and have now become overly involved in helping others, because I believe I've had more than my fair share of success and happiness. I now realize that I've been trying to avoid my loneliness by becoming overly involved in my retirement community in an attempt to distract myself. I'm in a church singles group, attend and participate in two weekly religious sessions and assist a hospice leader — all to solve my unhappiness.

I continue to feel guilty that I cannot open up about my sadness to others. I now believe I need to slow down and schedule time for myself. How can I help myself?

A: Everyone who goes through a grieving process does it differently. Many factors determine how long it takes: the impact of your personal loss; the legalities and time required to process the paperwork to regain control of your life; and how your family and friends respond. Give yourself the time that you need.

The bottom line is that grief is personal and no two individuals experience it the same way.

While you're trying to address your grief, learn that you sometimes have to say no to others. Your priority should be yourself, and those around you should understand.

The most powerful thing you can do is to choose to overcome your grief and take the steps you think you need! — Doug

CHOOSE HAPPY

Q: I've noticed I've been feeling overly sorry for myself. Frequently, when I meet others, I irritate them and they don't want to be around me. I understand why: I'm not happy and I let everyone know it. Why would anyone want to spend time with me when I have such a negative attitude?

Knowing this about myself, I want to change. How can I switch gears and take on a more positive outlook on life?

A: According to Deepak Chopra, negative feelings represent a dependency issue. His theory is that "self-pity is the opposite of self-esteem."

Many psychiatrists believe that up to 80 percent of our happiness in life is based on choosing a positive outlook. Choosing the negative approach usually causes us to feel apathetic. Apathy comes in many forms: disinterest in your peers; a devil-may-care attitude; or even a lack of sympathy for others.

Because you want to regain your friendships and make new ones, you'll need both time and an attitude adjustment.

A successful way to rekindle friendships is to convince yourself of how much happier you'll be if you do. Explain to others that you want to enjoy their friendships but need a little encouragement, and they'll want to help you change your attitude. Volunteer and help others, be more grateful and take on responsibility.

Often we need to address the internalized beliefs making us unhappy. Hiring a coach to help you reject what's hurting you can be immensely valuable.

The miracle of life is that we have options and can accomplish them if we really want to. You can choose to change! — Emma, Doug's granddaughter

Doug Mayberry makes the most of life in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at deardoug@msn.com. Betty is a friend of Doug Mayberry, whom she helps write this column. To find out more about Doug Mayberry and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Keoni Cabral