Dear Readers: Many readers wrote in regarding "Mum or Never," the letter from the woman who, at age 40, was ambivalent about having children. Below are two interesting letters. One is from a woman who decided to have a child later in life and was very deliberate and responsible on how the child was raised, highlighting the importance of discipline and love from a young age. The second letter was from the child of parents who never wanted her and what that can look like from the perspective of a woman in her 60s.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Mum or Never" on having children at 40. I was her when I was 34 years old. I never felt "motherly." I would see other kids misbehaving, parents exhausted and many parents giving up hopes and dreams because of their kids. I kind of wanted kids but kind of didn't, for many of the reasons "Mum or Never" mentioned. I asked myself, "If I had a child, would I regret it?"

I then decided that many parenting issues, including behavior, are in the control of the parents. Based on my age at the time, I witnessed a lot of poor parenting. I decided that I wouldn't hate my child if I had one. So, I decided to take the plunge and have a baby. My baby is now a man, living his life successfully because I set the rules early when he was still a baby (yes, that can be done). He is smart, well-mannered and successful. Although she may not have the same outcome, I'm sure she would be fine. — Another Mum or Never

Dear Another Mum: Thank you for writing. I'm not sure if I completely agree with you that all children's behavior is in the control of parents. It is likely more a combination of nurture and nature. That said, it is great that you provided for your son a kind yet disciplined home. He sounds like a wonderful young man. But next time you see a child acting out, try not to be so quick to judge the parents. They are probably doing the best they can with what they know at the time. Or the child could have just been born challenging, and that is how they are navigating.

Dear Annie: I'm a 63-year-old woman who has had to live with the consequences of parents who were either burnt out from having kids or who simply didn't want me. My message to parents who start to belittle their children when they are young: Please don't kid yourself into thinking that those children won't remember the words you said.

When I was close to 7 years old, I asked my dad if he would play a board game with me, and he said he would. Instead, as soon as the game was set up, he told me how ugly I was and how no man would ever want me and how I would never have to wear a Halloween mask. This sort of damaging behavior lasted throughout my years when I lived at home.

My mom did nothing to stop it.

The point I'm trying to make is that if you are so uncertain about having children, please don't! I was guided by parents who showed me that they didn't want or love me, and this led me down a long path of attracting people who only wanted to use and abuse me. It's been an extremely hard life for me.

It's all too easy for parents to take their frustrations and rage out on an innocent child for the parents' mistake of having a child they were ill-equipped to have or that they had because they thought that's just what people do.

I honestly wish my parents had never had me. — A Child's Life Is Not Yours

Dear A Child's Life Is Not Yours: You are correct that children don't ask to be born. I am so sorry that you never felt attended to or loved the way every child deserves to be. Your father was cruel, and your mother allowed it. I hope you know this was not your fault.

But you are an adult now, and it is never too late to try to find joy and happiness in life. Seek the help of a professional counselor who can work through some of the trauma and negative patterning and beliefs that were instilled in you from a young age. I am not saying that you ever have to associate with your parents again, but forgiving them and not being so angry might let some of your anger at them ease a little. Forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself to free yourself from hurt and resentment. Best of luck to you on your journey toward healing.

"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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