Editor's Note: Hundreds of Ann Landers' loyal readers have requested that newspapers continue to publish her columns. These letters originally appeared in 1999.

Dear Ann Landers: When does a father's responsibility to his college-graduate son end?

My husband put his son through four years of a very fine college, including a nice apartment and all living expenses. "Chuck" graduated six months ago and took a job for commission only. His father paid for another apartment for three months. Chuck decided he didn't like his job, quit and has had three jobs since then. He also bought an expensive new car. Between the payments and the insurance, he is now in debt.

Two months ago, Chuck came for a weekend visit and is still here. He has a good job at the moment, although he says it's only temporary until he finds something better. He could afford his own apartment but has it too good with us. His father won't ask him to pay for room and board, so he has it pretty easy. Chuck comes and goes as he pleases, and some days, the only words I hear from him are, "What's for supper?"

I'm the stepmother and in the middle. If I say anything to my husband, I'm afraid he will be resentful and defend his son. I also don't want to alienate Chuck. What should I do? — Worried Wife in Pa.

Dear Worried in Pa.: When a second wife gets into a controversy with her husband about his grown children from his first marriage, she's a loser before she opens her mouth, but talk to your husband anyway. Chuck is taking advantage of you, and you should not permit it. How wonderful it would be if he found a lovely young woman. I'll bet he'd WANT to get his own apartment before long.

Dear Ann Landers: I have always maintained it's the thought that counts when it comes to gifts. In that light, I'd like to know what you think.

Over the years, my husband, our children and I have received an odd selection of gifts from my in-laws. They are always used — from their attic, a thrift shop or a fire sale, or otherwise recycled. We have laughed it off, decided that they are eccentric and disposed of the gifts.

I can understand used books, clothing, jewelry and toys, but last Christmas, they went a bit too far. Our teenage son received an assortment of used aftershave — complete with mildew on the bottles. He just laughed and tossed it in the trash. My husband and I, however, felt insulted.

These people are financially well to-do. They see our children only when they visit on birthdays or Christmas. They stay through dinner and leave just before dessert is served. Then, we don't hear from them until the next major event. When we ask them to spend more time with the grandchildren, they make all kinds of excuses for why they can't manage it. After being rebuffed numerous times, our children have stopped asking about them.

Ann, if it's "the thought that counts," what thought can there be behind such insulting gifts? I hesitate to ask them, because I do not want to hurt my husband, but I would appreciate your opinion. — Daughter-in-Law in Englewood, Fla.

Dear Englewood: Here are a few adjectives: cheap, no-class, stingy, tightwads, and toss in stupid, weird and kooky, since they apparently believe they are getting away with it. How sad that they're missing out on their grandchildren's lives. When their crummy gifts arrive, just toss them in the trashcan, and let it go at that. Would you believe a woman in Minnesota wrote to tell me that last Christmas she got the same fruitcake she had given the woman two years before?

When planning a wedding, who pays for what? Who stands where? "The Ann Landers Guide for Brides" has all the answers. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

ANN LANDERS

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